ALPHA v0.3

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Dear Sir

Topic: adult

Dear Sir,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous, and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless. After getting married I was advised to use the 'Rhythm Method'. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha.

A doctor suggested using the 'Safe Period'. At the time we were living with in-laws and had to wait for 3 weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It's hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with clear skin, silky hair and felt very healthy, and my wife was pregnant.

Another old wives' tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding, including my earlier attempts, if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the 'Sheath'. The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't really surprise me as I fail to see how a durex stretched over the thumb, as the chemist showed, can prevent babies.

She was supplied with the 'Coil' and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realized we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.

The 'Dutch Cap' came next; we were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all, but alas it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the 'Pill'. At first it kept falling out, then we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her, this did work for a while until the night she forgot the Pill.

You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful, I will have to revert to oral sex, although just talking about it can never substitute for the real thing.

ALPHA v0.3