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United States Department Of Agriculture Bulletin No. 3789

Topic: adult

United States Department of Agriculture Bulletin No. 3789 (Extract)


Power driven rotary lawn mowers are a great boon to the shiftless suburbanites whose lawns are full of dandelions, buckhorn and other weeds too tall for the environmental friendly reel push lawn mowers. The rotary mower is, however, not an unmixed blessing. Unseen rocks and sticks, to say nothing of unburied bones, will raise hell with the blades. So will nails, bits of wire and other metal debris. But these problems pale into insignificance when compared to the unhappy results of running a rotary mower over a newly deposited pile of dog shit.

Until you have had your shoes shined with pulverized dog shit, you can not appreciate the extent of this problem. Cat shit, to be sure, smells worse, but cats, as everyone knows, are more careful to cover up their waste than are dogs. Moreover, cats do not shit as much as dogs, unless, of course, you have a very small dog and/or a very large cat.

There are a number of ways of approaching the problem of animal excreta versus the rotary lawn mover, but unfortunately, no real solution. The Department recommends as a first course, keeping dogs (and cats, also other large animals) away from your lawn. The most effective way of doing this is to buy a bigger and nastier dog than any other dog in your neighborhood and train him to:

1. Shit on your neighborhood lawns.

2. Chase other dogs off your grass.

3. Scare the shit out of cats before they reach your lawn.

There are obvious drawbacks to this method of combating the problem. First there is always the chance that one of your neighbors will hire a cow and train it to deposit cow shit on your lawn. It has been estimated that a rotary mower operating at the rate of 3450 RPMs will hurl a normal deposit of cow shit as high as your second story windows and over an area of 800 square feet in a simple matter of fifteen seconds.

Building a fence is a possible solution, but expensive. In addition it is no good unless you can train your wife and children to keep the gate shut. Even then some dogs will jump the fence, even when full of shit. There are various commercial preparations, sold mostly to evil-minded old women, which are supposed to discourage dogs from:

1. Screwing lady dogs on your front lawn

2. Peeing on your shrubs.

These chemicals are worthless since screwing and peeing are second nature to dogs, just as they are for most humans. Even if these preparations did work, they would still not solve the basic problems connected with the rotary lawn mower.

There are, then, three other possible solutions. The Department highly recommends the third solution and in fact, many of its employees engaged in research on this problem adopted it as the solution of choice in regard to these matters.

1. Let the goddamned weeds grow.

2. Move into an apartment and use the mower as a window fan.

3. Wear brown shoes when mowing the lawn and associate only with people who either do not mind the smell of dog shit, or who are too polite to mention it to you.

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