ALPHA v0.3

Because of the fun and sarcastic nature of some of these jokes, viewer & reader discretion is advised. Don't read'em and then complain!

This is an alpha release of this section. If you find any problems or would like to recommend something, please be kind enough to give us some feedback.


Two Nuns Sister Marilyn And Sister Helen Are Traveling Through

Topic: adult

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the F*%! off our car!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Visiting the hospital today, my father spotted a young doctor dressed up for a halloween party as Count Dracula, complete with the long black cape. Dad just assumed the doctor was on his way to do some blood work. Can anyone sugest other costumes that might be appropriate for various medical specialties?

Psychiatrists might come dressed as bats; Orthopedists as Quasimodo; Proctologists as lawyers; -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young man was trying to explain the mysteries of horse racing to a young woman. He said, "If you back a horse for a shilling at five to one, you win five shillings. If you back it at ten to one, you get ten shillings. And if you back it at twenty to one, you get a pound." She answered politely, "And what happens if I back it at exactly one o'clock?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practising my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Look, I'm a lawyer. Am I screwing the guy in front of me?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast. The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, "Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill." "Congratulations said the teacher you may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy". "Very good" says the teacher, "you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those two bitches would just shut the hell up." Upon overhearing this rude comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton." "I'll see you Monday..."

ALPHA v0.3