ALPHA v0.3

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A Bloke Is Driving Around In The Australian Bush And Because

Topic: adult

A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because it's Australia his truck has got a 'roo bar on the front that protects it if he hits a kangaroo. Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his 'roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's stuck tight, so he gets on his CB radio and asks for advice. "Breaker breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar. How can I get it out?" A reply comes back. "Just slice open the pig and let the guts spill out. The pig will fall out." So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls straight out. "OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got another problem." "What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio. "What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running. The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness. Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park." The man said, "But officer this is my wife." The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife." The man said, "Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ While undressing for bed one night, ol' Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!", and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital the very next day. "Doc" he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it"? The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is but take these pills for a week and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else". Bill takes the pills for the week but,unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him that the pills hadn"t helped. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions, "take them for a week and come back if it's not improved". Bill takes the capsules for a week and damn the red ring is still there. So he goes back to his doctor and asks, "What next"? The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. "Rub this on every day for a week and let me know". Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful. What was it"? The doctor replied, "lipstick remover" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I am reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she says, "That must be the door, I'll get it." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada. The receptionist stared at him. "You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?" "Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you got forty five girls ready 'n' able?" The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?" "I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid." "How old are you, Pop?" she asked. "Ninety-two," he replied. "Ninety-two? Pop, you've HAD it!" "Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't like you telling all those Polish jokes!" So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in Poland." "My mother is in Poland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor. Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place to plug it in!

ALPHA v0.3