ALPHA v0.3

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Barney The Fighters Against Him --------------------------------

Topic: barney

Barney, The Fighters Against Him --------------------------------

What is the Jihad? The Jihad is a heterogeneous organization of people on the Internet dedicated to defamation, humiliation, eradication, killing, and removal of Barney the Purple Dinosaur of the television show "Barney & Friends" from the airwaves and from every human's life. When The Jihad speaks of killing Barney, we refer to the idea of Barney the Purple Dinosaur, not the person(s) in that bloated, dis- gusting, purple suit. The Jihad categorically does *not* support real life violence against people wearing suits of Barney, nor those help- ing to propagate the Purple MindSucker's 'show.'

Can you help me with some of the Jihad's basic terminology? Sponge Minion: Any individual who likes, loves, supports, protects, or otherwise tries to defend b'harnii from the Jihad's wrath. Such an individual is named so because their brains have been turned into a spongy, silly putty-like substance by the foam demon they try to protect. Wyrm Minion: Any individual who willingly likes, loves, defends, serves, protects, or fights for b'harnii. Since their minds have not been devoured by It Of the One Tooth (Barney), they are considerably more dangerous to Jihaddi than a Sponge Minion. Fortunately, Wyrm Minions often decay into Sponge Minions after extended exposure to b'harnii's influence. Hell Wyrm: A synonym for Barney the Purple Dinosaur. Other synonyms include: It of the One Tooth, The Purple Pestilence, He Who Dances Badly, Lavender Lard Lord, He Who Pirates Nursery Rhymes, Magenta Monstrosity, b'harnii, b'har'nee, bar'knee, and the list could go on for pages. For a full list, check section II of the FAQ. The Cause[tm]: A synonym for the collective effort of the Jihad to rid the world of the Hell Wyrm. Functioning Cerebrum[tm]: The most powerful weapon against the Hell Wyrm. Also a term used to describe the brains of Jihaddi and those who have not fallen under b'harnii's influence.

What do Jihaddi believe? Currently, there are over 150 people from five continents who hold membership in various JAOs. All of these Jihaddi are different in life experiences, age, race, gender, social standing, sexual orien- tation, religion, political opinions, et. al. However, we are ALL united by a common thread: undying hatred of the Hell Wyrm.

Below is The Three Fold Truth and it's Corollaries which com-pose the core of Jihaddi thought and philosophy as it has been estab-lished and refined over the years of the Jihad's existence. The following items lead the Jihad in decision making, serve as our guid-ing force, and are the final standard by which all actions are measured.

The Threefold Truth (1)

1) Barney is the demonic incarnation of all hell on earth.

2) Barney seeks to make the world his Purple Kingdom, and does so by corrupting the innocent and weak into Sponge Minions.

3) Barney must be destroyed. All else is irrelevant.

The Three Fold Corollary (2)

1. B'harni cannot survive without sponge-minions.

2. Sponge-minions cannot survive without B'harni.

3. The aforementioned two statements implies a feedback relationship between B'harni and its sponge-minions. Therefore, attacks against sponge-minions will weaken B'harni, and attacks against B'harni will weaken sponge-minions. Therefore, attacks against either are effective.

The Corollary of Thought and Action (3)

1) Free thought and philosophical backing is required if the Jihad is to triumph.

2) Action, Strength, and Military Might are often required to defend the freedom to think as an individual.

3) Without Philosophy, the ability to act is impaired.

4) Without Action, the freedom of Philosophy is Jeopordized.

The Corollary Politic (4)

1) Barney is not political. Barney is neither Republican nor Democratic, liberal nor conservative. Barney is hell-spawned evil. "...Barney doesn't believe in politics" -Beth Ryan of Lyons Group, the company that produces Barney, quoted by Scott Shepherd of Cox news service.

2) Since there is political dissension even among Jihaddi, who have Functioning Cerebra(tm), political opinion cannot be used to decide Jihad matters. The Jihad is apolitical: It merely seeks to destroy Barney.

3) Politics are ephemeral when compared with the potentially eternal evil of Barney. We must focus on the eradication of Barney.

3a) This especially means that no topics of political significance are to be discussed on a.b.d4, except in a joking manner.

3b) This especially applies to Rush Limbaugh who is indubitably political.

3c) Since Rush Limbaugh is political and Barney is not, Rush cannot be Barney.

4) However, when politicians and/or commentators, such as Rush, actually discuss Barney it is appropriate to comment on those statements in order to determine whether or not those individuals are Sponge Minions.

5) When in doubt, refer to the Threefold Truth, especially part three.

The Corollary de Flambe~ (6) 1) Flaming is fun and has been shown to weaken the resolve of SM's until they renounce ever thinking of the Purple Pedophile. 2) Flaming others on alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die should only be to defend our view of Barney as Hell incarnate and to ward off sponge minionism.

3) Flaming on topics outside this realm are highly discouraged and should be avoided at all cost as they detract from our purpose.

4) All replies should be carefully checked to avoid posting to other groups that don't want anything to do with us and that we don't want anything to do with either.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (slightly revised for the 90's) (7)

I. Thou shalt not worship or idolize the Purple Demon known to thee as B'harnee, no matter how heavily he is merchandised, lest thy brain become spongified.

II. Thou mayest use the name of B'harnee in vain, if necessary, but do not repeat the name often, for it gives the beast power and makes intelligent people wish to puke.

III. Thou shalt honor the Jihad and all who support it, for it is hrough their efforts that the world shall be saved from the Purple Menace.

IV. Thou shalt observe and obey the canon known as the Three-Fold Truth, and keep it holy.

V. Thou shalt feel free to viciously kill B'harnee in any way thou findest convenient and effective, as well as any unrepentant followers of the Purple Demon.

VI. Thou shalt not engage in any sexual relations with beings who are not human, are brightly colored, and whose minds are as simple and pliable as Silly Putty

VII. Thou shalt not covet or purchase B'harnee merchandise, no matter how much thy children may whine and scream.

VIII. Thou shalt not steal, or allow anyone else to steal or control another's mind using the seductive powers of the Purple Menace.

IX. Thou shalt do everything in thy power to stop the lies spread by Sponge Minions concerning the Evil One. Teach the Three-Fold Truth to everyone thy can, and thou shalt emerge triumphant.

X. Never forget: B'Harnee must be destroyed. All else is immaterial.

What about Grimace of Mc Donald's? Grimace is held in very high regard by all Jihaddi who serve The Cause[tm]. Beyond that, there is no consensus among Jihaddi on his exact nature. Some Jihaddi regard him as the Anti-b'harnii and a savior of the Jihad while others honor him and treat him as a Saint of the Jihad. Still others regard him as a benevolent entity who helps the Jihad and should be honored. As a warning to all spongies and newbies: Don't insult Grimace or otherwise insinuate he's a form of the Hell Wyrm. You will be Indexed[tm] in short form and flamed mercilessly by every Jihaddi who comes across your post.

What about the Power Rangers? The P'how'her R'hang'hers, it is safe to say, are fairly well despised throughout the Jihad, and by those who serve The Cause[tm]. Some Jihaddi con-sider them to be allies of the Lavender Lard Lord, and others think they just plain suck. However, strictly speaking, the P'how'her R'hang'hers are immaterial to The Cause[tm] and the Jihad.

What is The Index[tm]? The Index[tm] is a means created by the Historian of the Jihad (CyberPyro) to record, track, and slate for termination all sponge minions that the Jihad comes across. It is also a useful tool of Jihaddi to remember who is unfit for membership until they repent of their previous stupidity, in the case of minor offenders. In the case of someone like M'hik'hie Craf'hord, it would require the direct intervention of Grimace or the Anti-b'harnii to make this evil spongy even minimally acceptable to lurk in the newsgroups.

What are crimes against the Jihad? There are only two crimes worth mentioning at this time against the Jihad. The first, Spongism, has been around since the Jihad formed. The second, Serpism, is a new crime, known only to Jihaddi since August 12, 1995.

Spongism: is defined as any action that is indicative of sponge minions. Namely supporting, defending, honoring, cherishing, liking, loving, or otherwise allying yourself with the Hell Wyrm or its merchandise. Serpism: is a heinous crime named after Serp the Feral, a former Praetor and expelled (FLUSH!) Jihaddi whose name is placed here spelled correctly so that none shall doubt who this crime is named after. This crime is manifest in blatant disregard for The Cause[tm], a corruption of virtue, the usage of the Jihad for personal & politi-cal goals, unrestrained hostility against fellow Brothers & Sisters in arms for irrational reasons, and, most foul of all, the perversion of the Three Fold Truth and its Corollaries.

So what do you guys have on the World Wide Web? Well, we have a complete JihadWeb[tm] all to ourselves as well as many other pages. Below are some of the resources you can use to explore JihadWeb[tm]. Almost all of our pages are interlinked, so getting on one will let you get to most of the other ones as well.

Addresses: What it is: JihadWeb[tm] Page The B'harnii Fun Page TRES Corps Home Page P.P.P.P. Page My page, lotsa links Legion of DOOM Page W.E.D.J.E.E. Page Blood Jihad Page Epsilon Labs Page TCN-ABD Page B'harnii Home Page

What Jihad Stuff[tm] is there on UseNet (NetNews)? Well, below is a list of newsgroups that you may find Jihaddi posting in, but the easier way to find us is to read alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die. This newsgroup (a.b.4d) is the main posting place of Jihaddi, but we are also scattered about some other NGs as well. Below is a list of NGs that we post on.

alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die alt.christnet.dinosaur alt.christnet.dinosaur.barney alt.drinks.jolt alt.exploding.barney alt.satannet.barney

What about IRC? Look for us on #barney of the IRC network. The channel is usually inhabited by Jihaddi, but if no one is there, someone will probably show up shortly. Below is a brief list of the servers in the United States for the Undernet network:

Hymns to the AntiBarney ----------------------

I hate you, you hate me, Let's hang Barney from a tree. With a knife in his back and an arrow through his head now that purple dork is dead.

I hate you, you hate me. Let's tie Barney to a tree. Shoot a gun into his head... Oopsie, doopsie Barney's dead!

I love you, you love me, let's hang barney from a tree. He'll hang all night, then we'll beat him with a stick. Afterwards we'll cut off his.....tail.

I hate you, you hate me. Let's hang Barney from a tree. With a rope around his neck, and a bullet in his head, aren't you glad that Barney's dead?

Barney's dead, Baby Bop's next, let's team up and wring her neck. With a rope and a knife and a sack to put 'er in, they're both dead, I guess I win!

I hate you, you hate me. I chased Barney up a tree, with a nine millimeter and shot him in the head. I'm so glad that Barney's dead.

I like you, you like me. Let's throw Barney in the sea. With a great big shark, now the sea is turning red. Thank you God that Barney's dead!

So why is b'harnii bad? To all Jihaddi, this is self-evident, but since you asked, here's a list of some of the reasons why we regard the purple pedophile as being bad:

1) Barney presents a candy-coated, unrealistically nice view of the world.

2) Barney tells kids that if they act like perfect little people everything will be all right even when it isn't.

3) Barney warps the lyrics of traditional children's songs with his own sickeningly sweet (per-)versions.

4) Barney is over-merchandised

5) Barney has promoted cheating and other anti-social acts on his show.

6) Barney tries to replace the parental figure with the "I love you" song.

7) Barney does not promote thinking for yourself, rather you are condemned for going against the wishes of the majority.

8) He is a weak attempt to usurp Sesame Street.

9) His colors are offensive to the eye.

10) Watching his show _will_ spongify your brain. (Barnius encephalitis)

11) Barney emotionally cripples children by forcing them to suppress negative emotions. For someone to be a functional human being, they have to able to express all of their emotions.

12) Research suggests that children who learn social interaction from barney (read a foam suit) have a difficulty recognizing facial cues and other non-verbal gestures in real life people. (what a shock, no?)

13) Barney tells children "A stranger is a friend you've never met" when the rates of kidnapping and child molestation are rising.

14) Barney & Friends claims to be educational for children, but its own pro-ducers have admitted "It's basically escapism for children."

15) Barney & Friends is a 27 minute infomercial pretending to be educational for children.

16) Barney and other authority figures over-rule the children's desires and feelings on a consistent basis.

17) There are many, many, many, many more...

What is Good Music[tm]? Good Music[tm] is any (loud) music which aids in despongifying a victim or victims of It of The One Tooth. Good Music[tm] when combined with at least one other Good Thing[tm] have been shown to be 99% effective in freeing someone from control of the Hell Wyrm and returning their Functioning Cerebrum[tm] to them.

Here is a partial list of Good Music[tm]:

Anthrax Bach Beethoven Carnal Corpse D.O.A. Dead Kennedys Death Deicide Depeche Mode Enigma Erasure Indigo Girls Iron Maiden KMFDM LARD Lizzy Borden Meat Beat Manifesto Megadeth Melissa Etheridge Metallica Mozart Nine Inch Nails Pet Shop Boys Schubert Skinny Puppy Tchaikovsky The Misfits Van Halen

The list goes on for a long time, but I'll stop here.

What are Good Games[tm]? Like Good Music[tm] these are games which aid in despongification of an individual. Below is a short list of recent Good Games[tm]:

Descent Descent ][ DOOM DOOM ][ DOOM: Thy Flesh Consumed Heretic HeXen Killer Instinct Mech Warrior: 3050 Mortal Kombat Mortal Kombat ][ Mortal Kombat ]|[ Myst Primal Rage Quake Rise of the Triad Ultimate Mortal Kombat ]|[

What are Unhealthy Snacks[tm]? Unhealthy Snacks[tm] are foods which have been shown to counteract the influence of the Lavender Lard Lord. Here is a partial list:

Anything chocolate Brownies Doritos Gummy Bears Jelly Belly Jelly Beans Jolt Cola Mountain Dew Oreos Rice Krispy Treats Twinkies

What are Good Movies[tm]? Like the other Good Things[tm], they aid in despongification. Here's a show list:

Alien Aliens Alien 3 FrankenHooker Hellraiser 1, ][, and ]|[ Misery Predator 1 and 2 Star Wars: All 3 movies Tank Girl Terminator 1 and ][

What are Good Things[tm]? Anything not covered in a previous category. Guess what? A short list:

AD&D (RPG) BattleTech (RPG) Clive Barker, anything he writes Gamma World (RPG) Rifts (RPG) Stephen King, most of his stuff War Hammer 40000 (RPG)

ALPHA v0.3