ALPHA v0.3

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Jihad Codestm V.1.0.3

Topic: barney

Jihad Codes[tm] v.1.0.3

From: Renk0006@Gold.TC.UMN.Edu (Neon Wizard)

Date: Tue, 13 Dec 1994 17:20:28 GMT

Organization: The Jihad to Destroy Barney

Newsgroups: alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die

Jihaddi and Jihaddi-in-spirit are free to use this in any way they wish, but sponge-minions will be prosecuted, and, if found guilty, executed.

The Jihad Codes[tm] consist of several categories. Each category is labeled with a letter or two and some qualifiers. Go through each category and determine which set of qualifiers best describes you in that category.

By stringing all of these 'codes' together, you are able to construct your overall Jihad Code[tm].

Some of the qualifiers will probably not match with you exactly. Simply choose the qualifier that MOST CLOSELY matches you.

Also, pay particular attention to case-sensitivity, there can be a big difference between a 'u' and a 'U'.


How you feel about the purple dinosaur, Barney.

B++++++ -- I am Barney.

B+++++ -- I worship the ground He walks on. I wish to erect a shrine for Him in my front yard. I feel a need to sell all my worldly belongings, shave my head, and go to airports where I will hand out Barney dolls and spread His message of universal "luv" for everyone regardless of race, creed, color, sexual preference, or species. I am totally spongified. Frag me.

B++++ -- I don't miss an episode, except when I have to work or go to the dentist. Barney loves me. I probably have to be killed.

B+++ -- I like him. He has a nice, wholesome message. He's good for the country. There's some hope for me.

B+ -- Hey, the little tykes love him, they don't go around karate-chopping each other any more. He's obviously pretty good. There's quite a bit of hope for me.

B -- I don't care much about Barney.

B- -- Barney is annoying.

B-- -- Don't talk to me about him. I'm getting sick of his smarmy message. He makes me ill.

B--- -- He's sick. He's polluting our children's minds with this love and tolerance crap. Boycott any station or store that carries him. His head would really look good on my wall next to stuffed Smurfs.



B------ -- I am Julie the Mahdi.

?B -- Who's Barney?

Unhealthy Snacks[tm] (equivalents)

How many Unhealthy Snacks[tm] you eat.

US++++ -- I eat at least three Big Macs and drink at least a six- pack of Jolt Cola a day, and usually a lot more.

US+++ -- I eat about half a package of Pizza Rolls every day, and often more.

US++ -- I eat about half a package of Pizza Rolls every day, and sometimes less.

US+ -- I usually have a hamburger and a can of Jolt every day.

US -- I eat the occasional Unhealthy Snack[tm].

US- -- I don't eat Unhealthy Snacks[tm] often.

US-- -- I hardly ever eat Unhealthy Snacks[tm].

US--- -- I only have one or two Unhealthy Snacks[tm] a year.

US---- -- I only have one Unhealthy Snack[tm] every decade.

!US -- I have never eaten an Unhealthy Snack[tm].

Type of Food Eaten

What kind of food you eat.

TF++++ -- I live on Unhealthy Snacks[tm] and Jolt Cola[tm].

TF+++ -- I eat meat-have you seen Jurassic Park?

TF++ -- I eat only the cheap things-even with artificial meat and vegetables.

TF+ -- Food? I just grab something from the shelves with meat in it.

TF -- Never mind the menu, just give me something to eat!

TF- -- I like food, especially when it is healthy.

TF-- -- I like the fibers in food.

TF--- -- I eat mostly healthy food.

TF---- -- I *only* eat Hellthy Snacks.

Good Music[tm]

How much you listen to Good Music[tm] (i.e. NIN).

GM+++++ -- I WRITE Good Music[tm].

GM++++ -- I am always listening to Good Music[tm].

GM+++ -- I listen to Good Music[tm] very often.

GM++ -- I listen to Good Music[tm] regularly.

GM+ -- I listen to some Good Music[tm] once in a while.

GM -- I have listened to Good Music[tm] only a few times.

GM- -- I hardly ever listen to Good Music[tm].

GM-- -- I almost never listen to Good Music[tm].

GM--- -- I only listen to Good Music[tm] when I absolutely have to.

GM---- -- I have only heard Good Music[tm] once.

GM----- -- I have only heard about a second of Good Music[tm] ever.

!GM -- I have never heard any Good Music[tm].

Type of Music

The type of music you listen to.


TM++ -- I play air-guitar better than anyone else.

TM+ -- Just play it loud.

TM -- I occasionally listen to the radio.

TM- -- I own a record, tape, or CD collection.

TM-- -- I listen to classical music.

TM--- -- I listen to the kind of music than M'hikie likes.

*TM -- I listen to music that nobody else has ever heard of.

**TM -- I listen to so many types of music that I can't even keep them straight.

***TM -- I like _both_ kinds of music: Country AND Western.

!TM -- I don't listen to music.


How feral you are.

F+++++ -- Average Maenad.


F+++ -- I hate Barney! I want to kick his ass!

F++ -- I loathe Barney. Someone should kill him.

F+ -- I dislike Barney. Someone should beat him up.

F -- I'm neutral.

F- -- I'm just barely spongified. I still have gonads.

F-- -- I'm a somewhat brave sponge. There's hope for me yet.

F--- -- I'm a cowardly, obedient spongie. Kill me.

F---- -- I'm a completely cowardly really spongified spongie. Kill me.

!F -- I'm beyond wuss. Just kill me if you're in a 50-mile radius.

?F -- Ferality? What's that?

Magical Ability

How much magic you have learned.

MA+++++ -- You think I can't do everything? Very funny.

MA++++ -- I've mastered white, gray and black magic.

MA+++ -- I am a master of white and gray magic, and know some black magic.

MA++ -- I have mastered white magic and most of the gray type.

MA+ -- I can master some white magic.

MA -- No ability, positive or negative.

MA- -- Well, maybe I could do a bit of white magic...

MA-- -- Magic cannot work for me.

MA--- -- Magic absolutely cannot work for me.

MA---- -- I can hardly master a remote control. Its magic is too much!

MA----- -- The television is too magic for me. How do I turn it on again?

*MA -- I am a master of black magic only.

!MA -- Magic doesn't exist.

?MA -- What's magic?

Flaming Prowess

How well you flame people.

FP+++++ -- You have all the mentality of an inbred, syphilis infected, dog fucking, scrotum licking, one-balled cripple!

FP++++ -- You are going to DIE, sponge!

FP+++ -- Fuck off, sponge-minion!

FP++ -- Life sucks occasionally. Bite me.

FP+ -- Life sucks once in a while. I've seen better.

FP -- Neutral ability.

FP- -- Well, it could be worse...

FP-- -- I like everything like it is. Life is okay.

FP--- -- I love everything and everyone! Life is good!

FP---- -- I can't say anything bad about anything! Life is great!

FP----- -- I am a pathetic being that has only happy thoughts.

?FP -- Flame? What's that?

Psionic Ability

How much psionic ability you have.

PA+++++ -- Maximum everything.

PA++++ -- Telepathic ability, psi shielding, and TK.

PA+++ -- Telepathic ability and psi shielding, with slight TK.

PA++ -- Telepathic ability and slight psi shielding.

PA+ -- Slight telepathic ability.

PA -- Neutral.

PA- -- Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

PA-- -- I'm pretty good at the "magic" tricks in the books.

PA--- -- I have to buy books to learn slight "magic" tricks.

PA---- -- Is your card the ace of spades?

PA----- -- Whoa, how did you do *that*?

!PA -- I have no power whatsoever.

?PA -- Psi? What's that?

Weapon Preference

What kind of weapon you like to use.

WP++++++ -- Whichever weapon the Mahdi uses.

WP+++++ -- Barney-Slayer or Sponge-Slayer.

WP++++ -- The main gun on the Stratocaster.

WP+++ -- A BFG 9000.

WP++ -- A shotgun.

WP+ -- Brass knuckles.

WP -- No negative/positive effect.

WP- -- A rock thrown underhanded.

WP-- -- A NERF ball tossed casually.

WP--- -- A dull stainless steel spoon.

WP---- -- A dull, dented wooden spoon.

WP----- -- A snowball with ice in it.

WP------ -- A snowball

!WP -- Does a pillow count as a weapon?

Attitude About Barney

How you feel about Barney's intelligence.

AB+++++ -- I'm Julie the Mahdi.

AB++++ -- Average Maenad.

AB+++ -- Average Jihaddi.

AB++ -- This is utterly incompetent. I refuse to go along with this.

AB+ -- This is stupid. Let's try something else.

AB -- Normal human.

AB- -- Gee, maybe this is a bad idea.

AB-- -- Okay, so it isn't the greatest plan. But we should do it.

AB--- -- Barney isn't perfect. But he's still a genius!

AB---- -- Let's just do whatever Barney says...

AB----- -- I'm Barney's servant.

!AB -- I've never had an attitude.

?AB -- Huh?

Predatory Instincts

Your predatory instincts.

PI+++++ -- I'm Julie the Mahdi, the B'harne Hunter Supreme.

PI++++ -- I'm Serp the Feral, the B'harne Hunter Extreme.

PI+++ -- Average Jihaddi.

PI++ -- Kill. Kill. Kill.

PI+ -- Maim. Frag. Decimate.

PI -- I'm neutral.

PI- -- Killing is wrong.

PI-- -- Killing is evil!

PI--- -- Even bruising someone is cause for much self-punishment.

PI---- -- I don't want to hurt a fly.

PI----- -- I don't want to hurt a flea, even if it bit me.

!PI -- Help me! Help me!

?PI -- Eh? What's that?


How intelligent you are.

I+++ -- Einstein.

I++ -- Average Jihaddi.

I+ -- Honor student.

I -- World average.

I- -- Forrest Gump.

I-- -- Average spongie.

I--- -- M'hikieB'hot, Handjob, D'hamien, B'hetty B'hoop, etc.

Unhealthiness of Food Eaten (equivalents)

How unhealthy the food you eat is.

UF+++++ -- Quadruple cheeseburger, super-sized fries, and coke.

UF++++ -- Triple cheeseburger, super-sized fries, and coke.

UF+++ -- Double cheeseburger, large fries, and coke.

UF++ -- Quarter pounder, medium fries, and coke.

UF+ -- Happy Meal.

UF -- Hamburger/cheeseburger, small fries, and coke.

UF- -- Coke.

UF-- -- Water.

UF--- -- Napkin.

UF---- -- Salad.

UF----- -- Toothpick.


How determined you are to finish something.

D++++ -- Just one more day!

D+++ -- Okay, just a few more hours.

D++ -- I don't need a dinosaur to do this. So what if it's hard?

D+ -- No, I'm not giving up. The solution will come to me if I think...

D -- Normal.

D- -- I quit!

D-- -- This is impossible. But, I'd like to work with it a little longer.

D--- -- Well, it's real hard, so maybe I'll get Barney to do it for me.

D---- -- If it's kinda hard, Barney will do it for us.

!D -- I let Barney do everything for me.

Goodness/Badness of TV (equivalents)

How good or bad the kind of TV you listen to is.

TV++++ -- X-Files, MST3K.

TV+++ -- James Bond movies.

TV++ -- Darkwing Duck, Gargoyles, Animaniacs.

TV+ -- A McDonalds commercial.

TV -- News shows.

TV- -- Tabloid news shows, home shopping shows/networks.

TV-- -- Saved by the Bell, VR Troopers, Family Matters, Full House.

TV--- -- P'hower R'hangers.

TV---- -- B'harne and Fiends.

!TV -- I don't watch TV.

Amount of Posts on A.B.D4

How much you post to alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die.

AP++++ -- Around 10 per day.

AP+++ -- About 3 per day.

AP++ -- About 2 per day.

AP+ -- About 1 per day.

AP -- 1 every two days.

AP- -- About 3 a week.

AP-- -- About 2 a week.

AP--- -- About 1 a week.

AP---- -- Hardly ever.

!AP -- I just lurk. I never post.

Quality of Posts on A.B.D4

The quality of what you post to alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die.

QP++++ -- Jihaddi postings.

QP+++ -- ASCII art that depicts Barney in a negative manner.

QP++ -- Posts that tell a Jihaddi they've been promoted/appointed.

QP+ -- Reposts of news articles that tell of us in a positive manner.

QP -- De-spongification posts from ex-sponges.

QP- -- Newbie posts.

QP-- -- Spams.

QP--- -- Tests/One-shot trolls.

QP---- -- M'hikie, Handjob, D'hamien, etc. posts.

!QP -- I just lurk. I never post.

Amount of Sarcasm in Posts on A.B.D4

How much sarcasm you use in posts to alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die.

S++++ -- Serp level.

S+++ -- Maenad level.

S++ -- Jihaddi level.

S+ -- Newbie level.

S -- None.

S- -- McDaniel level.

S-- -- Inane level.

S--- -- Sponge level.

S---- -- M'hikie level.

!S -- I never use sarcasm.

?S -- Uh...what's that?


What kind of vehicle you drive.

V++++ -- I own one of the three STRAFEs in existance.

V+++ -- I drive a modified Ford 4X4 with all WEDJEE technology.

V++ -- I drive a modified van with some WEDJEE stuff.

V+ -- I drive a mini-van with a weapon stored in the back.

V -- I drive a normal vehicle.

V- -- I drive a 10-year-old vehicle.

V-- -- I drive a Model T.

V--- -- I drive a big heap of junk.

V---- -- I just ride Barney!

*V -- I don't drive. I communicate mentally with my vehicle and tell it what to do.

!V -- I don't drive.


How old you are.

A+++ -- 60 and up.

A++ -- 50-59

A+ -- 40-49

A -- 30-39

A- -- 20-29

A-- -- 10-19

A--- -- 9 and under.

!A -- I'm not telling.


About the violent computer game that's great for de-spongification,


DM+++ -- I crank out PWAD files daily, complete with new monsters, weaponry, sounds, and maps. I'm a DOOM God. I can solve the original maps in nightmare made with my eyes closed.

DM++ -- I've played the shareware version and bought the real one and I'm actually pretty good at the game. I occasionally download PWAD files and play them too.

DM+ -- It's a fun, action game that is a nice diversion on a lazy afternoon.

DM -- I've played the game and I'm pretty indifferent.

DM- -- I've played the game and really didn't think it was all that impressive.

DM-- -- It's an overly-violent game and pure crap.

DM--- -- I've seen better on my Atari 2600.

!DM -- I've never played DOOM, but I think it would be fun.

!!DM -- I've never played DOOM, and I don't think I'd like it.

Success in Battle

How successful you are in battle.

SB+++++ -- I'm Julie the Mahdi.

SB++++ -- I'm Windigo (or Serp) the Feral.

SB+++ -- Average Jihaddi.

SB++ -- Average soldier.

SB+ -- Average police officer.

SB -- Average man on the street.

SB- -- Average blind beggar.

SB-- -- Average sponge.

SB--- -- I'm D'hamian W'heston.

SB---- -- I'm M'hikie C'hrawf'hird.

SB----- -- I'm B'haby B'hop.

About the JihadWeb[tm].

JW+++++ -- I own the account.

JW++++ -- I've put the JihadWeb[tm] URL on a major WWW index (i.e., Yahoo).

JW+++ -- It's my web-browser's default home page.

JW++ -- I have it on my hotlist/links page.

JW+ -- I've seen most of the stuff there, and visit semi- regularly.

JW -- I've been there once or twice, it's okay.

JW- -- I've been there, and didn't particularly care for it.

JW-- -- Hey, I *like* Barney!

JW--- -- What, a page against Barney? How terrible!

JW---- -- I ran away from my screen crying at the horrors!

JW----- -- I have a firewall server set up to keep out http packets from it.

*JW -- I know what the WWW is, I just haven't been to the JihadWeb[tm].

**JW -- I don't have access to WWW clients.

?JW -- I don't know what the WWW is.

Method of Fighting

How you fight against Barney.

M+++++ -- I am Wayne Syvinski.

M++++ -- I philosophize only, and will not partake in military action.

M+++ -- I philosophize, but will fight if absolutely forced to.

M++ -- I primarily philosophize, but engage in occasional battles.

M+ -- I prefer to philosophize.

M -- I philosophize about/during battle.

M- -- I prefer battle.

M-- -- I primarily fight, but will post an occasional philosphical text.

M--- -- I'm a Doberman.

M---- -- I'm a Maenad.

M----- -- I'm Serp the Feral.

Technical Prowess

How advanced the technology you use is.

TP+++ -- I'm C-in-C of WEDJEE.

TP++ -- I'm armed by WEDJEE.

TP+ -- I know of WEDJEE or have worked with WEDJEE.

TP -- Any automatic gun will do.

TP- -- Any gun will do.

TP-- -- Just gimme a weapon.

TP--- -- I can only use a stick with a nail in it or my bare hands.

ALPHA v0.3