ALPHA v0.3

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Barney Newsletter

Topic: barney

Barney Newsletter

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"A group of people united in a single goal. Be scared Barney. We have a mandate from the people and GOD almighty!"

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Part 2 -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Welcome to the first issue of the Anti-Barney League's Barney Must Die Newsletter. It is time that we unite against a terrible force that is covering our nation like a dark cloud. Barney is evil. Barney and his Backyard gang are out to take over the minds of kids, so that after the seed of Barney is planted in their brains, they will more willingly accept a kind and gentle DICTATORSHIP, by a man in a purple rubber suit. This problem will just grow unless we do something about it. Dinosaurs can't be citizens anyway, so let's send him to Costa Rica. We will be compiling stations that broadcast the Barney smut, so we can petition them to put on some quality programing.

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Our poll so far...

To save humanity from (evil) aliens, you must either watch a Barney videothon or:

1) Just kill me now. .............................................. 1 2) Wouldn't you rather just severely beat me? ..................... 1 3) I didn't know anyone else called their thingy "Barney" ......... 1 4) Vampires don't do dat, homie.................................... 1 5) "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned... BUT BARNEY???!"......... 1 6) Maybe they're friendly aliens....?.............................. 2 7) I respond by killing Barney to impress Jodi Foster.............. 1

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On PBS there is a show called "Barney and his Friends" (check your local listings). Basically, it concerns a group of irritating small children and a purple toy dinosaur named "Barney" who comes to life and sings songs of a pro-social nature. Of particular note is "The I Love You Song", sung to the tune of "This Old Man", slowed to a dirge-like tempo:

I love you. You love me. We're a happy family. With a great big hug, And a kiss from me to you, Won't you say you love me too?

Believe me, it's really eerie. Now, the fact of Barney's existence on this show is written off as "imagination". But supposing it isn't?


Supposedly, Barney is just some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur suit. Several things about this theory don't add up, however. Barney has full mobility, for one thing. Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only one of his hands ever did anything and the other was always clutching his stomach like he was about to puke up gizzard stones? That's because Big Bird was a guy in a suit. That other hand was OPERATING HIS BEAK.

Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working mouth, and LARGE, MOVING COW-LIKE EYES. If that's a man in there, he's no ordinary man. (Plus, he's repeatedly demonstrated the ability to leap in the air and CLICK HIS HEELS. Any NORMAL human would sweat like a cheese trying stunts like that.)

If he's not a human, what is it? Let's speculate, shall we?

1) He's a real dinosaur.

Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is questionable, the geological record is far from complete. Since Barney is apparently warm-blooded, this would support current revisionist paleontological theory. (The singing ability is a new twist, however.) And how would we know if dinosaurs were purple or not? On the other hand, while he is built along the lines of a carnivore (Family Tyrannosauridae) his teeth seem those of a herbivore, or at best, an omnivore. Assuming those are teeth.

2) He's some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly parent figure in order to train young children to be his unholy army of ultimate darkness.

You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it seems. Look at the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why. Adults think he's really creepy. Obviously, there are unclean forces at work here. The way to test this out would be to confront the fiend with a crucifix.

3) He's a space alien.

This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomormorph, might have access to all sorts of technology that we couldn't even begin to comprehend: hypnosis beams, holographic projectors, even large-scale matter reassemblers. Any or all of theses could account for the "powers of imagination" as depicted on the show. As for his motives and purpose, see above.


Notice I waste no time asking if Barney SHOULD be stopped. Of COURSE he should be stopped. It's a given. But how?

1) Wait for him to go away. Most media darlings eventually do this. However, we can't afford to take chances. Our children's BRAINS are at stake.

2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips shut. You could, in fact, fit several chickens in there.

3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him. If he's a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let's hope he doesn't have a breeder reactor in his tail. (Now that I think of it, he probably gets his power from...The Children's Television Workshop. Cut their funding!)

4) Stop believing in him. Scoff if you will. It worked with my boss at the car wash.

Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT Barney is, or HOW to destroy him, let us know. Until there's an alt.barney.die.die.die we'll confine ourselves here. And remember, you won't get your kids back until Barney is dead.dead.dead.

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Recently, I posted an article where I postulated that Barney the Dinosaur perhaps was not what he seemed to be, but was, in fact, some evil being bent on taking over the minds of children everywhere. The Great Unwashed scoffed at my warnings.

Well, Barney the Dinosaur is still amongst us, brainwashing hapless children, and YOU just SIT there at your terminal chuckling at my so- called "madness". But listen. There's still time to put an end to his evil Jurassic schemes.

I've done some research and it's clear to me that Barney is some kind of malignant supernatural force that has invaded a toy stuffed dinosaur. With that in mind, let's discuss how he can be destroyed.

Surveillance shows that there are two principal Barney modes. There's the "Sentient Mode", where he is a six-foot tall fuzzy purple saurian who moves around freely and talks and sings like an brain damaged castrati.

Then there is the "Toy Mode", where he appears to be a small stuffed version of himself. (NOTE: Neither of these is Barney's true form. As a creature of darkness, he can take on any form he chooses. In truth, he probably looks a lot like Mick Jagger. Doesn't sing like him, though.)

So. Let's say you happen to see this toy Barney, just sitting there in a swing made from an old Uniroyal. Do you pull out your handy M-16 and pump him full of hot lead, screaming "DIE, YOU UNHOLY SPAWN OF SATAN! DIE DIE DIE!" No. You do not. This will only make him angry. If you're LUCKY he will only suck out your soul like soup through a straw.

We are dealing with a SUPERNATURAL Creature here. Don't assume that just because he LOOKS like a fuzzy harmless doll that he IS a fuzzy harmless doll. In toy form he will be constantly on his guard, whereas in active mode he thinks himself invulnerable. And THAT shall be his downfall.

You will need the standard tools: Garlic, a crucifix, an iron rod, a Tammy Faye record, stuff like that. Keep them ready at all times in case of random Barney encounters.

If by some chance you DO encounter The Hellspawn in active mode, take these steps:

*DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!* His eyes have power. He uses them to possess people. If you gaze too long upon his countenance, you will be HIS, body and soul. The effect isn't as obvious on T.V., at least not with adults. In person, however.... Well, just wear a welding mask.

*DO NOT LET HIM SING TO YOU!* For one thing, he's a BAD singer, and he steals his riffs. The real danger comes, however, from the seductive quality of his Song Of Entrapment:

I love you.... Etc... Etc... Won't you say you love me too?

If you DO say you love him, or worse, sing the next verse, then he OWNS your soul and all its accessories. And we'll have to kill you too.

*ACT CASUAL.* Lull him into a false sense of security. Pretend you want an autograph for your nephew. If you're especially skillful, you can get him to sign an agreement to leave mortals alone for all eternity. (NOTE: Your pen MUST be filled with blood for this to work.) While he is not really likely to fall for a cheap stunt like this, it's certainly worth a try, unless you're worried about him sucking up your soul like jello through a Hoover. Which he'll do.

*DESTROY HIM.* Don't worry. If you've done everything right he won't suspect a thing. The following methods will certainly annihilate most creatures of darkness:

1) Poke him gently in the ribs with a crucifix, saying "Hey? Hey? Hey? Big fella?"

2) Blow pepper at him. Have a priest ready to say "Bless you," when he sneezes. Stand well back, so as not to get Barney-bits all over you.

3) Blow his face off with a flare gun. Still got that welding mask on?

4) Cancel his show. (NOTE: You'd better be a PBS executive. Otherwise he'll suck out your soul like bilge through a pump.)

5) Ask yourself. How would "MacGyver" handle this?

6) Decapitate him with a silver sword, on sacred ground, under a 3- D picture of Jesus, while drinking a glass of holy water FROM THE FAR SIDE OF THE GLASS, with a bag over your head, while singing "Amazing Grace", in a month with a "K" in it. (Note: The sword MUST be blessed by His Holiness the Pope. Otherwise, you're wasting your time.)

One of those ought to work. Give it a try. If you'd like to field test any of these methods, use them on Rush Limbaugh. All of the above applies to HIM, too.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Part 6 -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

There comes a time when we as a society must humbly admit our wrongs and take whatever actions necessary to correct our misdoings. Barney the dinosaur is one of the most hideous creations of modern American culture and as such, he MUST be destroyed. The termination of Barney must therefore become a goal of all decent, responsible citizens. Only united can we protect our children and stop his evil reign!

I salute you brave founders of the Anti-Barney League, and I want to offer my support for your cause.

My first encounter with Barney was seeing one of his commercials while eating breakfast one morning. "He's big, He's purple, He's your best friend. He's BARNEY!!" kept echoing through my mind as I stood in horror, helplessly entranced by the dancing purple mass on my TV. At that moment, I heard a noise outside which disturbed the evil spell long enough for me to break free and realize what was happening. It was then I became aware that no one was safe, and that I must find others.

FOR ANYONE WHO DOUBTS THAT BARNEY IS EVIL INCARNATE - Just turn down volume on the TV the next time Barney appears. Striped of his music (such as the 'I love you, you love me' brainwash chant, one of his most powerful spells) Barney's ugliness immediately becomes visible. I assure you, if you try this, you will feel a chill as you watch the demonic blob silently moving its mouth, gesturing, and dancing before you. After a moment to recover your composure, you too will realize what must be done.

Remember my friends, He's Big. He's Purple. He must be destroyed.

Why barney might be the color he (it) is

These were the only colors available (Green & Purple)! Here's why:

Black: Real MEN wear black... that leaves barney out Brown: It would go against the meaning of the show... It is full of make-believe and bull crap. Dino's were brown... that would give the show its only truth. Red: When we shoot barney, we won't know if he is bleeding or not. Red blood shows up very will on purple. Orange: As one of many hunters... my philosophy is shoot anyting that is not orange. If barney was orange... enough said Blue: barney has to be the happiest, gayest, jolly jackass in the world... he is not blue. Yellow: This is a light color... barney is anything but light. Pink: This would make barney a gender specific dino... which in turn would make this a politically incorrect program.

As we all know Barney is this putrid, disgusting shade of magenta- purple and neon green. Why is Barney these colors? I've been pondering this and have come up with these ideas. Let me know what you think --

a) Kids fixate on bright colors. On a big color TV Barney would dominate the screen and everything in the background would be subordinate to Barney. Note that Baby Bop's and BJ's colors are not as bright as Barney's. Coincidence? I think not.

b) A blindingly bright Barney would show up better on a television with poor reception, enabling kids even with poor reception to tune into Barney and get hooked. The same applies to black-and- white tv, as Barney would show up brighter on black-and-white than his surroundings, enabling children to easily identify Barney as the lead figure and everything else as subordinate to Barney.

c) Adults seem to think children are hooked on neon colors. Walk down the isle of Barbies in any toy store and look at the clothes. They are mostly these horrible neon colors that clash thrown together (like neon green and neon orange) that no one in the real world would ever wear. And they seem to be getting worse. When I was a kid I had a Barbie and she had these clothes that looked like something you might see in the store for an adult. These days the clothes are horribly bright and you don't see the equivilant on a shelf for a real person to wear. What does this tell us, if anything?

d) Barney's designer's had no taste (like, duh) and had never had a color class. (Obvious, but had to be said ...)

Anyway, let me know what you think. If you have any more ideas, please share.

An Ode To Barney

(*sung to the tune of the Barney song a.k.a. this old man)

I love you, you love me, the birds are singing in the tree, till the gunfire erupts and Barney hits the floor, killing him was not a chore.

I hate you, you hate me, I belong to the L.A.P.D. With a stomp-stomp thunk-thunk boot to the face, let's spray Barney with some mace.

My friends and I, we got a gun, and thought we'd have a little fun. We hunted Barney down like a dog, and fed his body to a hog.

Poor Barney is a star, till he showed up at a bar. With a club to the head and a bomb on his chair, I see Barney everywhere.

This old man, he played three, he played nic-nac on Barney's knee, 'cause the rest was severed off, by a bus, stopping would have been too much fuss.

I view him with disdain, I think Barney is insane. With a big strong rope and a very long chain, let's throw Barney under a train.

I shot you, you stabbed me, we're a dysfuncional family. With a click-click, bang-bang murder suicide, I hope that you all will die.

I saw him stuck in a door, so I helped him to the floor, with a chop of my ax and a crack of a chair, his blood was splattered everywhere.

I saw him, he touched me. I'll hang his body from a tree. With a knife to the neck and a bullet in the brain, let's flush Barney down the drain.

This old man, he played one. He, like Barney, was very dumb. With a nic-nac paddy whack knife to the back, I saw Barney get car-jacked.

He loves us, we hate him. They found his body in the gym. When they carted him away they slammed the door, no more purple dinosaur.

Anarchy, insanity, until the death of Barney! In his grave he brings us peace, now he can't molest my niece!

POEM: I love you, You love me We're a happy family! Then a shot rang out and Barney hit the floor No more purple dinosaur!

ALPHA v0.3