ALPHA v0.3

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Bad Human!

Topic: cats-dogs


This is the reverse of the "Bad Kitty!" list. That is, what would your cat(s) make you write on the chalkboard after committing a "crime"?

1. I will not laugh when my master chases her tail. 2. I will be ready to play whenever my master is. 3. I will not let my master in/out "when I feel like it". 4. There must always be food in my master's dish. 5. I will graciously accept the wildlife offerings from my master. 6. I will watch where I put my big feet. 7. I will not fuss when my master is patrolling the table/kitchen counter/dresser for prey. 8. I will not chase my master with the awful noisy vacuum cleaner. 9. I will supply my master with toys and will not begrudge him if he decides to find some new ones on his own. 10. I will not move my master no matter where she decides to sleep. 11. I will share any can of tuna fish that is opened. 12. I will not make fun of my master's weight. 13. I will not stick my finger in master's mouth when she yawns. 14. I will keep the master's litter box as clean (or cleaner than) the human's bathroom. 15. I will be sure that my master is comfortable in bed, only then will I arrange myself around the available space. 16. I will provide only the choicest morsels for the master's bowl, not poultry scraps. 17. I will take thousands of pictures of my master, and show them to everyone I ever meet. 18. When my master is sleeping on some portion of my anatomy, I will not disturb my master by getting up to attend to such mundane matters as answering the telephone or going to the bathroom. 19. I will not complain when my master steps on the break key, or settles down on the computer keyboard. 20. I will not come home smelling of other cats or (even worse!) dogs. 21. I will not move my hand while my master is busy washing it. 22. I will change my masters' litterbox at the first sign of stink, not when they have to get the point across by whizzing on the comforter. 23. I will gladly roll onto my other side when my master paws me on the cheek at 3:30 am so she can "snuggle." 24. I will not "fraternize" with other cats. 25. I will not assume my master is done reading the newspaper just because she/he is no longer looking at it or just because I am done with that page. 27. I will not assume my master doesn't like whatever is in the can I am opening. 28. I will not surprise my master my kissing her while she is sleeping. 29. I will not brush my master when he jumps up on my lap just to be petted. 30. I will not spike my master's food with medicine. 31. Attempting to hide catnip from your master is useless, so don't bother. 32. I will not ignore my master's signs to tell me when to start/stop petting, cuddling, playing, etc., no matter how subtle they are. 33. I will not talk on the phone when my master wants me stare at her and talk nicely to her. 34. I will not answer the phone when I come home if I haven't fed my master yet. 35. I will *not* pet my master while she's taking her bath!! 36. I *will* feed my master on demand. I will *feed* my master on demand. I will feed my master on *demand*. 37. I will not talk on the phone unless my master gets a chance to say "hi". 38. I will get an ice cube and throw it on the floor whenever my master requests one. 39. I will share the spicy bean dip with my master. 40. I won't shove my master out of the middle of the bed. 41. I will not weigh my master. 43. I will retrieve all the foil balls and toys from under the sofa and refrigerator each and every day. 44. I will change the litter at least once per day. 45. I will feed my master all he can gorge. 46. I will *not* go to work and leave the kitties alone all day. 47. I will leave the lingerie drawer open so that my master may strew my undies around the apartment for his amusement. 48. I will not close the bathroom door thus separating myself, however momentarily, from my master. 49. I will let the kitties play with the hamster. 50. I will not place my *insignificant* belongings on the royal resting places (aka coffee tables, nightstands, and dressers), nor scold my master when s/he pushes them off. 51. I will not rush at my master when she is concentrating on balancing on the inch wide balcony rail 25 feet in the air to see how the dog and I react. 52. I will not pull my master out of the trash bin when she is busy inspecting its contents. 53. I will refill the water bowl no matter how many times my master tips it over. 54. I will leave the potting soil where it belongs -- on the floor. 55. I will leave the toilet seat up so my master can investigate. 56. I will let my master sleep on my notes as I'm trying to study. (I'm sure I can read through the fur if I try hard enough!) 57. I will not turn on the water when my master is napping in the sink. 58. I will let my master chase my highlighter as I'm trying to highlight texts. 59. I will not highlight my master's nose and ears in fashionable neon colors. 60. I will not de-flea my sister's new master in my master's bathroom and expect my master to forgive me right away. 61. I will not try to ignore my master when she comes over to join my phone conversation, because since no one else is in the room, I must be talking to her. (Who would *really* be talking to a piece of plastic anyway?) 62. The human will not stare at the master while she is doing her business, however, the master is permitted to stare at the human in various states of undress and/or physical activity. 63. The human will not say "Ewwww gross" when the master sneezes and then licks the snots off her fur. 64. I will let my master play with mice she has cleverly bought into the house to torture to death. 65. My master is a creature of dignity. I will not feed him catnip in front of guests and/or videotape him afterwards. 66. I will not expose my master to my morning breath when she wakes me. 67. I will not lure my master from his chair with a toy so I can sit in it. 68. I will not chase my (white-furred) master off of the black sweater drying in the laundry room. 69. I will not interfere with my master's perfectly normal attempts to assert his dominance by biting his brother. 70. I will not pull my master out from under the bed to show to guests- -who are obviously dangerous and must be hidden from. 71. I will not throw out the nightly bit of dental floss without first allowing my master to play with it for at least 5 minutes. 72. I will not expect my master to forgo attempts to steal my sushi-- this is simply asking too much of a cat. 73. I will not put my master in a cat carrier--ever, for any reason whatsoever.

ALPHA v0.3