ALPHA v0.3

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The Thirty Undeniable Truths About This Job!

Topic: corporate

THE THIRTY UNDENIABLE TRUTHS ABOUT THIS JOB! --------------------------------------------

1. Managers are discouraged from showing favoritism to certain employees, that is, except for the ones they are dating or having sex with.

2. The arrogance level of any given member of management is inversely proportional to their intelligence quotient.

3. If this workplace has a strike, don't worry about management's stepping in to do our jobs during a strike. They can't run the place with us, so how will they run it without us?

4. Mandatory overtime is more often than not the fault of poor scheduling than actual callouts.

5. Don't ever get caught with reading materials on the job. The management wants to keep us as stupid as they are!

6. All managers suffer from selective amnesia; they can only remember work rules and regulations when they benefit their cause.

7. Employees are forbidden from using company phones. They are for the personal use of management only.

8. Ninety-nine percent of all employee requests for days off are denied; however, the one percent that are approved are the direct result of favoritism.

9. The amount of favoritism you receive from management is directly proportional to the amount of ass you kiss and inversely proportional to the quality of work you perform.

10. The chances of management's winning a grievance with their own Labor Relations Department is around 100%. However, management's chances of winning an impartial arbitration hearing on the exact same case is about 10%

11. It is never the responsibility of management to schedule relief for you at quitting time; rather, it is your duty to stay and finish your work.

12. The amount of overtime you will work is inversely proportional to the amount that management has promised.

13. This workplace will update existing computer systems with newer, yet slower and more inefficient ones.

14. Whenever equipment breaks down, it will never be fully repaired on the first try.

15. A typical work hazard is not falling on a wet floor, but tripping over the "Caution: Wet Floor" sign. 16. Smoking in the employee restrooms is a capital crime; however, urinating on the bathroom floors is never discouraged.

17. Very few business decisions are ever based strictly on business.

18. The customer is always right, that is, none of the time!

19. All notices posted by management must contain spelling or grammatical errors that a second grader could spot.

20. When in doubt, management will issue you the written reprimand.

21. Whenever several managers choose to converse in a group, they will always stand in the spot most frequently accessed by the workers.

22. Whenever management posts a letter of thanks to the staff, its praise must be insincere, and its overall memory must be short-lived.

23. Ninety percent of all schedule changes are made when the affected employee is already enjoying their day(s) off.

24. All computers must never be fully operational at the same time.

25. To management, all things which should be of secondary concern are of primary concern, and all things of primary concern must be of secondary concern.

26. In one's final hour of work, the perceived passage of time must be no faster than that of the first seven hours combined.

27. Vacation time will not be given during the summer months. Those months are set aside for managers' vacations only.

28. The only person who can get three days off in a week is the boss.

29. The raise you will receive will be inversely proportion to the amount of money you saved the company.

30. Managements' Motto: "What employee can we screw today?"

ALPHA v0.3