ALPHA v0.3

Because of the fun and sarcastic nature of some of these jokes, viewer & reader discretion is advised. Don't read'em and then complain!

This is an alpha release of this section. If you find any problems or would like to recommend something, please be kind enough to give us some feedback.


From Management Of Budget Affairs To All Employees Subj Budget

Topic: corporate

From: Management of Budget Affairs To: All Employees Subj: Budget Constraints

Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.

TRANSPORTATION: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trip. Bus transportation will be used whenever possible. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purposes in extreme circumstances and for the lowest fares possible. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

LODGING: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used as temporary lodging. Bridges may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

MEALS: Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains, such as General Nutrition and Piggly Wiggly stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals may often be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other protein sources available at their destination. If a restaurant must be utilized, travelers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially cost effective for employees traveling together, as a single plate can be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, spam, pork and beans, and beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.

ENTERTAINMENT: Entertainment while on travel is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contacts, the customer should be encouraged to 'pick up the tab'. Suck action will save the company money and convince the customer that we are concerned about spending money on providing a good product, not on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to customers who visit our facilities should also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be provided in the parking lot next to the dumpster and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be provided for our guests.

MISCELLANEOUS: All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "red caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travelers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made during idle periods. Dark glasses and cups full of pencils are also available for the purpose of begging during periods which would otherwise be wasted awaiting the flight.

ALPHA v0.3