ALPHA v0.3

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Dear Abby

Topic: corporate

Dear Abby,

I have just been appointed the project manager for a large exhibit development project at my place of employment / indentured servitude / slavery. But in all of my exposure to other project managers, all I have ever seen them do is waste time, gossip, and complain. So please, tell me what exactly is it that a project manager is REALLY supposed to do?

1) Sit in your office. If you leave your office, you might really find out what is going on.

2) Use the phone lots. High phone bills are impressive.

3) Demonstrate a fundamental lack of understanding for the technology involved. Technology is beneath you and doesn't suit the image.

4) Have looooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg meetings. Maximize your exposure.

5) Have BIG meetings. Lots and lots and lots of people. The bigger the meeting, the smaller the percentage of people who can get their say in.

6) PAPERWORK. PAPERWORK. PAPERWORK! Lots and lots of it. Timesheets, terms of reference, reports, memos, toilet paper, budgets, project management software etc. etc.

7) One day flight's to far away places. Good style. Then bitch that you were too busy in meetings to even go to the beach.

8) Work late. No, take that back. Stay late. Ignore your family.

9) In the trio "Heat, light and steam" create little of the second, lots of the rest.

10) Obfusticate profusely.

11) Start lining up the scape goats. We all know this isn't going to work.

12) Demonstrate surprising ignorance of the details. It shows you're on top of the general plan.

13) Talk to, not with people.

14) Politics is everything, the exhibition is just the bread for the jam. A mere placeholder.

15) Build an empire.

16) Carve your empire.

17) Defend bitterly your empire.

ALPHA v0.3