ALPHA v0.3

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To All Employees From Management

Topic: corporate

To: All Employees From: Management

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are RAPED, will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided they are RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED, may file an appeal with upper management. This phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be shafted as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance), or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to ensure the younger employees who remain on the job that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained though our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels that he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor: your supervisor is especially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

Thank you for your cooperation.


President & CEO

ALPHA v0.3