ALPHA v0.3

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Why Don'T Black Guys Like Country Music? Because When Somebody

Topic: ethnic

Why don't black guys like country music? Because when somebody yells Hoe Down, they think someone done shot their woman. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the Polock keep going back to the box office to buy more tickets? Some guy at the door kept tearing his in half. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up: "You're makin' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you on the nose." "I'm sorry sir, I..." "Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, a Polack realized his need for some firewood so he decided to buy a chainsaw. Arriving at the hardware store, the Polack carefully eyed the selection of chainsaws. The store clerk asked him if he needed some assistance. "This chainsaw here'll cut ya 10 cords of wood before the blades need to be sharpened," said the store clerk. The Polack was impressed and bought the chainsaw, then headed for home. A few days later he returned to the store complaining that he only managed to cut 4 cords of wood. "That's odd," replied the clerk, "let's have a look." He pulled the starter chord, and the chainsaw roared to life. "What's that noise?" exclaimed the Polack. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A black man goes into a bar with a parrot on his head. The bartender says: "Wow, where you'd get that?" The parrot says: "Awk! Africa, there's millions of em..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. In America they say: "It's 10 o'clock, do you know where your children are ?" 2. In France they say: "It's 10 o'clock, do you know where your wife is ?" 3. In Poland they say: "It's 10 o'clock, do you know what time it is ?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The town mall caught on fire. The firemen were going crazy trying to get the fire out. The whole town came out to watch, after all, the mall was all they had since this was a small town, USA. One after another the firemen were brought out exhausted. Suddenly down a hill came a truck traveling at high speed. In the back of the truck was a bunch of Mexican pickers. The crowd watched as the truck drove right into the burning mall and they could see the mexican's jump out of the truck and start beating at the flames with nothing but their hats and shirts off their backs. In just minutes the fire was out. The major was so impressed with their bravery that he decided to gather the town together and celebrate and gives these fine guys a reward. On that day, the major gave his speech of gratitude and presented the workers with the key to the city. Also a $10,000 reward was given. The excited major ask the driver of the truck, "What will you do with your part of the money?" The guy replied. "Wellll Senoir, You can be dang sure the first thing I do is buy some brakes for that truck." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- There's these 4 guys in a plane. (Bill Clinton, the Pope, the pilot, and Jessie Jackson. So the pilot goes back and tells the passengers that they have had a fuel leek and are going to crash in 5 minutes, and he asks "Who will take the 3 parachutes on the wall?" So Bill Clinton says, "I must take a parachute because I have to run the country," so he takes one and jumps out. And the pilot says, "I have to report the crash," so he tales one and jumps out. So the Pope and Jessie Jackson are left. So Jessie Jackson says "I am the worlds smartest African American," so he jumps out. And the pope says, "Good for me! The worlds smartest African American just jumped out with a duffel bag!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horses? A: Turn off the carousel! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A young man was touring Scotland. He stopped in a local store and spied a kilt that he absolutely had to have. After haggling with the shopkeeper for an extended period of time, they arrived at a mutually agreed price...far below that which was posted. The fellow took out his velcro wallet and proceeded to open it. At this point the shopkeeper exclaimed, "Ay, now therrres a good Scotch purse, it even screams when ye open it!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- There were the two Irish bank robbers. They had decided to avoid suspicion by learning to speak with upper class British accents. After weeks of intensive training, they were ready. Into the bank they went. "I say, old chap, rather hate to do this to you, but, would you mind terribly putting the money in this bag?" So the tellers comply, and everything is going just great, but the manager all of a sudden says: "No offence meant, gentlemen, chaps wouldn't happen to be Irish by any chance?" "How did you guess?" "I couldn't help noticing you'd sawn off the wrong end of the shotgun." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- OK, a Canadian, an American, and a Paki are all in a car when it breaks down. So they all go to a nearby barn to spend the night. The owner lets them sleep there but the have to sleep with the cows. So they all go to bed, but five minutes later the Canadian comes out and says to the owner, "These cows stink", and then he leaves. Five minutes after that, the American comes out and he says to the owner, "These cows stink", and he leaves. Then five minutes after THAT, the cows come out and they all moo to the owner, "This Paki stinks", and then they leave. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading: "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an obviously Oriental man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt. "How come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger. The Oriental explained in very broken English that when he landed in America he was standing in the immigration line behind a German. When asked his name, the German replied, "Hans Schmidt." When the immigration official asked the Oriental his name, He replied, "Sam Ting." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this guy driving down the street with a truck full of bowling balls. He hit a bump and all the bowling balls went all over the street. All of a sudden a bunch of noufies came running out with baseball bats and started beating the hell out of the bowling balls. The guy got out of the truck and asked "What the hell are you doing?" And one of the noufies said, "We got to kill these niggers before they hatch." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1875 a Danish couple converted to became Mormons and moved to Cache Valley Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were self sufficient for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband decided to take a second wife, as mormons of the time did. His wife was not too keen on the idea, so he convinced a Swedish neighbor to help in a plan to convince her. "Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major decision", said the husband. Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll do". They went to the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen started with the usual openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes of this, he posed the question: "heavenly father, should I take another wife?" Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously arranged, and in the most booming, deep voice he could muster, said "Brother Madsen, I command thee to take another wife". After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his wife, and saw that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around her, and said, "There there, a second wife will be an addition to the family, but she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you just as much." Mrs. Madsen said "I have no problem with you taking a second wife, I've been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst nightmare, I *never* imagined that God was a Swede!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a kindergarten teacher decided to test her students on animal sounds. Calling on white little Mary, she asked, "Mary, what does a cow say?" "Moooo," answered Mary. "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Johnny, what does the sheep say?" "Baaaa, replied little white Johnny. Then the teacher asked little black LeRoy, "What does the pig say, LeRoy?" LeRoy thought for a minute, then said, "FREEZE, nigger!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Three budding athletes are trying to get into the stadium for the olympics but they forgot their passes. As they are standing there arguing with the guard a fellow comes up dressed in his his jogging suit and carrying a ball in his hand. He shouts "Greece, shot put!", and the guard waves him in. The other three see the light and one gets into his jogging suit, tears off a hubcap from a parked car, comes up to the gate and shouts "England, discus!" The guard waves him in. The second one into suit, grabs a broom handle, gets to guard, shouts "Italy, javelin!", and gets waved in. The third one puts on his jogging suit, wraps himself into about 30 yards of barbed wire, waddles up to the guard and shouts "Poland, FENCING!". ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A bus, full with blacks, crashed off a cliff. They all showed up at the pearly gates. When they knocked St. Peter opened the pearly gates to see who was there. After seeing all the blacks there, St. Peter ran up to God and said, "God, God, there are around a hundred black people at the pearly gates wanting to get in, what should I do?" God said, "St. Peter, I can't believe you came here to ask me THAT! They are our brothers and sisters, so let them in immediately." St. Peter leaves and comes running back in a minute later, "God, God, I can't believe it, they're gone, they're gone!" So God says to St. Peter, "What do you mean they're gone? How could they be gone, there were a hundred of them?" To which St. Peter replies, "No, not the blacks, the PEARLY GATES!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Once these two vampire bats were flying around and one says to the other "I'm hungry". The other asks "How about Italian?" The other says, "sounds good" so they find an Italian, drain his blood and throw him in the river. A little while later one bat comments to the other that there was no splash when they threw him in. The other remembers this too and suggests they try again. They find another Italian, drain his blood and throw him in the river, once again, no splash. They have to know what's going on so they fly down to the river to investigate and along swims this alligator singing, "Drained Wops are falling on my head..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?...perhaps the color is not preference? The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty." Why don't you wear them?" The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you say to a nigger in a uniform? Big-mac and cheese. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A young black fellow was at the airport ready to buy a ticket to Africa. He found that his funds were a nickle shy of the ticket price. He ran around asking everyone for a nickle. He told one guy that he was going back to Africa and that all he needed was a nickle. The guy flipped him a quarter and said "here take four of your buddies with you." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A Polish airline pilot was landing his Ilushin-9 at JFK Airport. He was putting the flaps up and down, putting the power up and down, and finally slams the plane down right on the numbers, stands on the brakes, throws the engines into reverse, and stops the thing in 50 feet. "Wow", he says to his co-pilot, wiping the sweat out of his eyes, "That's the shortest runway that I've ever seen!". "Me too," says the co-pilot, "but it's got to be at least 2 miles wide!". ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A zebra dies and goes to heaven. He meets St. Peter and says, "I've always wanted to know if I'm black w/white stripes or am I white w/black stripes." St. Peter says, "I don't think I can answer that, we'll have to go see Christ." The go to Him and ask the same question. Christ says, "I couldn't really tell you. Let's go see God." When they go to God he says, "Well, you are what you are." The zebra took that answer and left. He racked his brain and decided he really didn't understand the answer. He went and saw St. Peter and said, "God's answer was great and all, but I still don't know if I'm black w/white stripes or white w/black stripes." St. Peter replied, "You are defenitaly white w/black stripes." "How so?" "Because if you were black w/white stripes, God would have said, `You is what you is.'" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- When I was born, I was Black When I grew up, I was Black When I am sick, I am Black When I go out in the sun, I am Black When I go out in the cold, I am Black When I die, I am Black BUT YOU WHITE FOLK When you are born, You are Pink When you grow up, You are White When you are sick, You are Green When you go out in the sun, You are Red When you go out in the cold, You are Blue When you die, You turn Purple And you have the nerve to call me COLORED !!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A truck driver was driving down the road with a truck full of uncut black bowling balls, you know without the holes yet. Well he is drving along and sees a black fellow walking along trying to hitch a ride. He tells the fellow to hop in the back and he will drop him off in town. A mile down the road he sees some poor black guy trying to ride his bike into town on a flat tire. He tells the poor fellow to throw his bike in the back and hope on too. Half a mile later he sees another black guy, who of course he tells to hop in the back. Well, the truck driver was driving through a redneck county when he got caught speeding. The cop pulled him over then got out of his car. All of a sudden he looks in the back of the truck and then runs back to his car. The cop yells into the radio, "Help, emergency! I just found a truck full of nigger eggs! Three of them have already hatched and one of them has already stolen a bicycle!" -----------------------------------------------------------------------

ALPHA v0.3