ALPHA v0.3

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He Is So Cheap -After Shaking Your Hand He Counts His Fingers.

Topic: g-rated

He is so cheap: -After shaking your hand he counts his fingers.

-Before counting his money he gets drunk so he'll see double.

-Before he buys drinks for the house, he makes sure he is the only one at the bar.

-Even his 8 by 10 photos are only 7 by 9.

-Even if he were in a canoe he wouldn't tip.

-For supper he sits on the porch and bites his lips.

-He always counts his money in front of a mirror so he won't cheat himself.

-He always licks his eyeglasses after eating grapefruit.

-He always swallows his food without chewing so he won't wear out his teeth.

-He always takes long steps to save on shoe leather.

-He always washes his paper plates.

-He always wears mittens so money won't slip through his fingers.

-He bought his daughter a doll house with a mortgage on it.

-He called up his girl to find out which night she would be free.

-He decided to become a divorce lawyer so he could get women free.

-He even stops his watch to save time.

-He fed his cat salted peanuts so it would drink water instead of milk.

-He gave his children violin lessons so they wouldn't have to get haircuts.

-He gave his wife a one-month subscription to Reader's Digest.

-He heats his knives so he won't use too much butter.

-He is tighter than the top olive in the bottle.

-He keeps a moth as a pet because it only eats holes.

-He keeps his fingernails extra short so he has a hard time picking up a check.

-He married a girl born February 29th, so he only had to buy her a birthday present every four years.

-He married a skinny girl so he could buy a small wedding ring.

-He never eats asparagus in a restaurant so he won't have to leave tips.

-He never wears suspenders or a belt so he has to keep his hands in his pockets.

-He rides the subway during rush hours to get his clothes pressed.

-He opened his wallet once and three months flew out.

-He puts glue in his mustache so his kisses will last longer.

-He quit golf when he lost his ball.

-He says his prayers once a year and the rest of the year he only says: "ditto."

-He spends hours in front of his TV set, but he will never turn it on.

-He takes his electric razor to the office to recharge it.

-He tears the month of December off his calendar to fool his children.

-He told his kids that Santa Clause doesn't make house calls anymore.

-He took out fire insurance on his cigars.

-He uses the same calendar year after year.

-He walks his date to a drive-in movie.

-He will never finish his soup so that he won't have to tip the bowl.

-He won't even give his wife an argument.

-He won't even let you borrow trouble.

-He won't even tip his hat.

-He won't send his pajamas to the laundry unless he has a pair of socks stuck in the pocket.

-He would come over and borrow a flag on July 4th.

-He would never even pass the buck.

-The only thing he every gave away was a secret.

-The only thing he ever saved for a rainy day was his vacation.

-The only thing he ever threw out was the bill collector.

-To save money on his laundry bill, he puts soap flakes in all his pockets and walks through a carwash once a week.

-When he pays you a compliment he asks for a receipt.

-When he says he's eating out he means eating on the fire escape.

-When he sends Christmas cards they read: "A Merry Christmas for all coming years!"

ALPHA v0.3