ALPHA v0.3

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Q I Keep Getting Caught Staring At Other Girls. I Don'T Mean To

Topic: men-women

Q: I keep getting caught staring at other girls. I don't mean to do it, it just happens. And I know this upsets my girlfriend. --D at Cleveland State

A: D, nothing "just happens." There was once a nub who accidentally stuck his finger in a pencil sharpener and cut away at his bone. He said it "just happened." No it didn't. He was a moron. Some people commit murder and say, "Your Honor, I'm so sorry, it just happened!" No! You loaded the gun, went psycho, and pulled the trigger screaming, "Die scumbag die!"

So checking out the fine heineys on other bims doesn't "just happen." It is however, the nature of being a nub. Us nubs MUST look at every woman. No matter how walrus-like, no matter what age. And we make a split-second decision. Women, this is crass so cover your eyes, but it is the truth. In a split-second we say things like, "No way!", "if she was just a little older", "hmm, get her on an exercise bike and give me a 6-pack", "only in the dark", and "hell yeah!"

It is foul and it is base but it is true. This is the nature of Man. We are animals. We do this instinctively. But this does NOT EXCUSE our behavior. We must control ourselves. When we are with a bim, we must not go around attaching our hips to every pair of fine female butt-muffins in denim shorts. But we will look. Why is it that men can see 8,945 different pairs of snuggle-bubbles and still be curious as to how the next bim's look? Because we are all programmed to be pre-verts. We want to see more, more, MORE! This explains the rate at which hard drive storage space has increased. This is not to allow for larger applications and productivity software, this is for tinatorpedoes.jpg and lindacarter.jpg, girlsfromsistersister.jpg and shortbutstacked.jpg.

But my man, you MUST at least TRY to give your bim enough respect that you don't glare at another bim's Globes in her presence! It is a difficult task but not impossible. Whenever a hot bim walks by, quickly think about something else, like "Why does Queen Latifah have her own talk show?" Or just as two bouncy bubbles bounce by in a blue sweater, force yourself to sneeze.

BUT, if you ARE caught--- you must NEVER admit to the wrong doing. The truth would hurt your beloved's feelings. And you don't want to see her cry, right? So you're actually doing her a FAVOR! (See, now you're ready to be President of the United States.) Say she catches you. She says, "Were you just staring at the waitress?" Do NOT say, "you mean the one with the Huge Rack?" Nooooo! Instead say, "No, I think you have something in your hair." She will become so self-conscious she will forget about the whole thing and immediately leave to go the ladies room to check. Perfect! Because when she's gone you can stare at seductively super Sno-cones all you like! But please note: this little trick only works once per date. She'll catch on if, every two seconds you're like, "Staring? NO! You just have a piece of lettuce in your teeth . . . zit on your forehead, weird dangling flaking skin off your nose, a cold sore on your lip" Please remember to stop while you're ahead!

ALPHA v0.3