ALPHA v0.3

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Male Analysis

Topic: men-women


Men--Chemical Analysis

Element: Men

Symbol: PIG

Discovered by: EVE

Atomic Weight: Average expected as 160, but there are known isotopes ranging from 98 (weakling variety, See Charles Atlas Ads for more detail) to 250 (again see Charles Atlas ads) highly radioactive occurrences at 300 or better (avoid at all costs).

Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas. (high rate of occurrence in low quality in the area generally referred to as POUGHKEEPSIE, NY)

Chemical Properties:

1. Possesses great affinity for Alcohol(ooh), Base (especially jokes), and Women (WO)

2. Capable of absorbing great quantities of flattery

3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with hand.

4. Insoluble in liquids, but obstinacy greatly increases with saturation in ethanol(alcohol).

5. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points.

6. Necessary for Marriage and Divorce reactions.

Mental Properties:

1. Easily manipulated when close to Women(WO)

2. Incapable of accepting own shortcomings.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface very smooth and muscular.

a) Amounts of hair vary greatly, some specimens have removable growths others need to remove hair growths. Quantity of hair most commonly associated with abnormal glandular activity.

b) Greatest variations found in the lower groin area.

2. Boils at a glance and freezes at the thought of marriage.

3. Melts at the sight of great legs (see Women)

4. Bitter when alone

5. Found in various states in nature, ranging from putty to raging steel

6. Tend to overheat in proximity to underdressed Women (WO).


1. Highly ornamental, especially in tuxedos, and tight shorts.

2. Most powerful reducing agent of female life expectancy known.

3. Can aid in mowing lawns, cleaning stable, and lifting heavy objects.

4. Some rare versions capable of brightening the day.

5. Taking trash out when Women (WO) remind them.

6. Paying for expensive dinners, clothing, and jewelry.

7. Terrible memories for times they wronged Women (WO)

8. Excellent memories for times they were wronged by a Woman (WO)

9. With a minimum of flattery it is possible to get versions to perform trivial tasks.


1. Heads turn at sight of Women (WO)

2. Some versions have fuzzy dice hanging from rear view mirror.

3. Become angry when confronted with truth.


1. Highly dangerous when left to own devices.

2. Tendency to sow wild oats.

3. Terrible drivers, worse when drunk or angry or both.

ALPHA v0.3