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News Flash Microsoft Buys Satisfaction

Topic: microsoft

News Flash: MicroSoft Buys "Satisfaction"

REDMOND, WA (AP) - Microsoft announced today their purchase of the rights to the Rolling Stones song, "Satisfaction", for use in their Windows '95 advertising blitz. The song's theme, "I Can't Get No...Satisfaction" is to become the slogan for the entire Windows marketing effort. "We decided to finally tell the truth about our OS", said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, "Because, the fact is, with our longstanding monopoly in the operating systems market, we no longer feel the need to satisfy our customers' needs".

In an exclusive interview, Gates admitted that "Everyone has known all along that Windows is a complete loss. We know that we will never produce a workable operating system so long as we try to maintain reverse compatibility, and it's clear that nobody wants an operating system that isn't fully Windows 3.1 and DOS compatible. We screwed the world a long time ago, and there's no point in denying it anymore. Consequently, we no longer feel the need to pretend to care about our users, and our advertising campaign reflects that."

Asked why Microsoft is advertising a product that they know they will sell anyway, Gates responds, "Why not? We have so much money now that we don't know what to do with it. Besides, after buying rights to most of the world's great art, I figured we might as well start picking away at some cultural icons. After all, if corporations didn't step in to manage artistic experiences, people might use the art to develop ideas of their own, and that would be a marketing disaster."

Rolling Stones vocalist Mick Jagger told reporters "Yeah, I said they could have [the song] when hell freezes over." Inspired by this, a Microsoft lawyer immediately parachuted into Jagger's estate carrying a quill pen and a vial of blood. It has not been determined whether Jagger actually signed an agreement, but sources have confirmed the existence of a secret, multimillion dollar operation to pump liquid nitrogen into abandoned oil wells, which some claim is associated with this pact. Satan, the president and CEO of Hell, could not be reached for comment, but rumors of his close ties with Gates have been circulating for years. A recent request to L.L. Bean, the prominent mail-order clothing company, for thousands of "brimstone-resistant" wool caps with "two holes in the forehead" of each provides further evidence of imminent climactic change in the underworld.

An anonymous Apple Computer evangelist expressed mixed feelings about the announcement. "If you look at the real theme of this song", he explained, "it's about sexual inadequacy. You see why Microsoft has been so successful. They're marketing software to the intellectual equivalent of frustrated teenage virgins, and they identify with the pain of never getting what they want."

Asked if Apple is going to use this opportunity to increase its market share, he continued: "Absolutely. Our new operating system, code named 'Copland', is going to be the center of a huge multi-media experience. We're going to go to the mountains and have an orchestra play Copland's 'Appalachian Spring' in the middle of an empty field, while a hundred interpretive dancers wrapped in aluminum foil express the joy of being a Macintosh user. We're sure that this will gain us a major foothold in the business world."

ALPHA v0.3