ALPHA v0.3

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The Navy Experience

Topic: military

The Navy Experience

The younger readers will probably not relate to this, however anyone who has spent a hitch in the military, especially the Navy or Coast Guard, will find this all-too- familiar. Reminds me of all those months where my rack (that's a bed) was right next to a steam line .....

I am speaking today on behalf of those of us who have family members that think we live (or lived) a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those relatives who have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. I have a few suggestions for these people on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes.

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight. Have someone move it around during the days AND the nights.

2. Run all of your house piping and wires on the outside of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, rank water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray". You must then pump this kind of nasty water back into and out of your basement twice a day.

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run-down, trashiest bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower. Have your father-in- law "spot-check" you every four weeks and give you an assessment of your technique.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up, sweepers man your brooms, clean sweepdown fore and aft".

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then you take a ladder at 6 a.m., climb up to your roof, then back down, and then stand in the back yard at attention until 6:25 so she can come out and read it to you.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at ext.. -3053".

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 3pm.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home ... you can't leave until the next day.

13. Shower together with above-mentioned friends. No one can use more than 60 seconds of worth of shower water, and you can only use hand-towels to dry off.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc). Make sure they get signatures for each step of operation, and then give them an oral review conducted by three other previously- qualified operators before allowing them to operate the appliance.

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every fifteen minutes. Check the oil and transmission fluid levels once every four hours even if the car has not been started. Record your readings in a log.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway three times a day, whether they need it or not.

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item.

21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

24. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

25. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

26. Have your son power-nail the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed. Then yell at him for not doing his job when he stops to explain that you told him to do it.

27. When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. Have them do it over again if they are not dressed and on station in four minutes.

28. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line at the front door for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but that you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more and they just ask for hot dogs.

29. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

30. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been postponed due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house. After the week is over, tell them that you no longer have any room in the budget for a trip to Disneyland, but that the garage needs painting and that should give them some much needed time in the fresh air.

ALPHA v0.3