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Welcome To California - Financing Is Available

Topic: regional


An introduction to the new resident to California.


Distance: Before you can understand the geography of California you must understand how we measure distance. There are no miles in California, only hours. Ask anyone in this state how far a place is from where you are and they will give you the distance in hours, not miles. To help new residents and Californians travelling to the east coast, the Los Angeles Times periodically publishes tables for converting hours to miles.

The state can be broken down into six distinct geographical areas:

Southern California - Southern California is the area bounded on the south by Mexico, on the east by the Mojave Desert, on the west by the Pacific Ocean, and extends to just north of Santa Barbara. The area includes Los Angeles and San Diego. There is a common misconception that people actually live in the houses in Southern California. This is not true. Southern California is actually the world's only moving condominium.

Central California - Central California is the sparsely populated refugee center for Southern California that starts just north of Santa Barbara and extends to just south of San Francisco. The area is bounded on the west by the Pacific Ocean and the east by the Coast Range.

Northern California - Everything north of San Francisco. This is an area populated by trees and people disguised as trees.

Central Valley - The largest valley in the United States. Bounded on the north by Northern California, on the west by the Coast Range, on the east by the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and on the south by the capital city of Oklahoma (Bakersfield). Probably the richest farming area in the world, the Central Valley is the third most boring place in the country. Iowa and Kansas had the first two places already taken.

Mojave Desert - This area lies east of Southern California and south of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. It extends into Nevada, Arizona, and Mexico. It is hot, dry, and inhospitable, but it is one of the great wonders of California. I must correct one common myth. The Mojave was not created by Charleton Heston for El Cid. It was created by Monte Hall for Let's Make a Deal.

Sierra Nevada - Humungous mountains along our eastern border.


California was originally settled by the Spanish. Spanish and Indian names are common in all of California.

Port Hueneme - Pronounced "wy nee mee" locally, it is pronounced "hew en a ma" by easterners. The eastern pronunciation actually is very close, since the word means "high colonic" in Spanish.

Point Mugu - Originally a home for near-sited explorers.

Camarillo - Pronounced "cam a ree yo". Currently the location of a hospital for the criminally insane, the name means "say what?" in Spanish.

Los Angeles - Literally "the angels". The name is derived from a local baseball team.

San Diego - This is actually a mispronunciation of the Spanish words for a self- centered beach worshiper.

Ojai - Pronounced "o hi" This is the first place the Spanish encountered local Indians.

Pismo Beach - Originally a convenience stop for the Spanish explorers.

Arroyo Grande - "Large creek" in Spanish. Named shortly after Pismo Beach.

Oceano - The "ocean" in Spanish. Named shortly after Arroyo Grande (there were a lot of explorers).

Grover Beach - Settled by a guy named Grover who settled here knowing all about Pismo Beach, Arroyo Grande, and Oceano. He spent his last days as a urologist.

San Francisco - Named for the patron saint of strange people.


California has four distinct seasons:

1. Summer - hot, earthquakes

2. Fall - wild fires, earthquakes

3. Winter - rains, earthquakes

4. Spring - mud slides, earthquakes


California has almost every style of food, but Mexican food must be explained. Mexican food has three types - real Mexican food only for the purists, Mexican-American food for most of us, and Taco Bell for the tourists. Real Mexican salsa has been produced in large quantities recently since it has been found that it can be used as both a food and a paint remover.

ALPHA v0.3