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N.J. Environmental Manifesto

Topic: regional

N.J. Environmental Manifesto

The following Eight-Point Manifesto has been developed by the environmentalists of New Jersey to help maintain the quality of life here in the Garden Apartment State. Due to our constant vigilance and deep concern, we no longer have problems like the endangerment of the spotted owl and the salmon. In fact, we don't have any birds or fish to give us problems at all. New residents should memorize this Manifesto and put it into practice in their daily lives.

The New Jersey Environmentalist throws it out his car window, whereupon it becomes someone else's problem. (And who cares about them, anyway?) After all, you'd have to walk (EECH!) to get to a trash can.

Open Space

Found inside malls. The really big ones, of course. Building malls is a good way to conserve space that would otherwise go to waste in some useless woods or farm.

Fresh Air

Comes from central air conditioning. Best if kept at 64 degrees F or below. It's normal to wear sweaters in the middle of a heat wave. The New Jersey Environmentalist keeps all windows tightly closed at all times, so that the Fresh Air is not contaminated by anything from The Outdoors (see below).

The Outdoors

This is the space you have to walk through (EECH!) to get from the air-conditioned buildings to the air-conditioned car. That is, unless the car is in an air-conditioned parking deck. The true New Jersey Environmentalist supports the latter, because then he's always inside in the Fresh Air.


The New Jersey Environmentalist realizes the need for plants. Plants have two uses, depending on their size. The little ones are useful for spraying with ChemLawn. (Make sure your children stay inside in the Fresh Air after you have done this.) The big ones (i.e., trees) should be cut down to make room for more strip malls, to conserve Open Space.


The New Jersey Environmentalist conserves his energy by driving everywhere he has to go, and many places he doesn't. Otherwise, he'd have to walk (EECH!) to get places. It's dangerous walking in The Outdoors, because there are so many cars there. The bigger your car is the better, because there's more Open Space and Fresh Air inside.


Why bother? Nobody else does. New Jersey residents don't want a bottle bill, because it would inconvenience everybody and result in over six layoffs in the bottle industry around Glassboro. The New Jersey Environmentalist recycles his garbage, old tires, and dead refrigerators by converting them into Litter (see above). Wetlands

This usually means the Shore, where they've gotten rid of a lot of yucky marshes to build beautiful condos and strip malls. Every Friday, the New Jersey Environmentalist joins the traffic jam on the way to the Shore, so that he can have more time in the Fresh Air inside his car. He does the same thing on Sunday, but this time in the opposite direction. Once at the Shore, the New Jersey Environmentalist never goes Outdoors, since the freon from the air conditioners has destroyed the ozone layer and he'd get skin cancer.

If you must go outside, remember that the proper way to enjoy the environment is to do so on one square yard of sand, along with half a million other New Jersey Environmentalists and their boom boxes. Watch out for the syringes, and maybe you can collect a few New Jersey Beach Whistles (discarded tampon applicators).

ALPHA v0.3