ALPHA v0.3

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You Might Be A Redneck If...

Topic: regional

You might be a redneck if...

For a good time, you go nuts at the local Auto Zone.

You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

You say, "I hear dat!" more than 3 times in a two-minute conversation.

Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.

You have a tire swing in your house.

Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.

You write off a radiator as a business expense.

Your best pick-up line for women is written on your baseball cap.

Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.

You've ever vacationed in a rest area.

You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.

You refer to your van as "The Love Machine."

You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't identify.

Your kids have a three-day-old Kool-Aid mustache.

You've ever taken out a restraining order against your mother-in-law.

You sell rabbits out of your car.

Your talent in the local beauty pageant was making noises with your armpit.

You have a bumper sticker on your bowling ball.

Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.

Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.

You bring a bar of soap to a public pool.

All of your relatives' cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.

You wash your car more often than your kids.

You're not allowed to mention the game warden's name in the house.

Your wife would rather fish off a bridge than shop for clothes.

Your yard has ever been the proposed site for a landfill.

There are tobacco stains down the sides of your school bus.

Blowing a tire means a new flower pot for the front yard.

Everyone in your family is an Elvis impersonator.

You can give the date and place of every bullet hole in your car.

Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.

Your belt buckle is bigger than your head.

You keep a pellet gun by the front door.

Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.

You've ever asked a widow for her phone number at the funeral home.

Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.

Your idea of a really big time is shooting rats at the dump.

There are antlers nailed to the outside of your house.

Your parrot can say, "Open up, it's the police!"

You've been on TV more than once describing what the tornado sounded like.

You don't need a clean shirt to go to work.

You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.

Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week."

Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.

There are four pair of pants and three squirrels hanging from your clothesline.

Your family business requires a lookout.

You think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped.

You slam the door on your truck and your shotgun creates an instant sunroof.

You have to curl the sides of your cowboy hat so your wife can fit in the truck.

You've ever been getting gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.

You have to take the entire day off work to have your teeth cleaned.

Your mother has ever been arrested for poaching.

Your wife's brass knuckles set off the airport security alarm.

Anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas."

You consider dating second cousins as "playing the field."

You've ever run down a bowling lane and slid into the pins.

You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.

Your welcome mat says, "You'd better have a search warrant."

You've ever named a child after a good dog.

The only work your father ever did was supervised by a man holding a shotgun.

You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal!"

You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.

Stealing road signs is a family outing.

You forego a haircut because there's not a clean bowl in the house.

You paint your car with house paint.

You can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite.

You're still upset about "Gunsmoke" being cancelled.

You drove to elementary school.

You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.

You think safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.

Your sister subscribes to "Soldier of Fortune" magazine.

Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.

Your wife has four-wheel drive on her vacuum cleaner.

The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.

You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.

Bikers back down from your momma.

Your neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb.

You think "recycling" means going home from work.

You think toilet water is exactly that.

You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.

You shop for groceries at a gas station.

Your car stereo costs more than your car.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

Your dog doubles as your dishwasher.

Your driveway is bordered by half-buried tractor tires.

You've ever heckled during a eulogy.

The Roto-Rooter man comes to your house and asks, "What's that smell?"

Your wading boots double as dress pants.

The last photos of your mama were taken from the front and the side.

The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.

People hunt in your front yard.

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

Your flashlight holds more than 4 batteries.

There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.

Today's dinner was too slow crossing the highway yesterday.

Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

Your truck can pass over a 55-gallon drum without touching it.

Your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.

You refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year."

Your mother gives you tips on how to sneak liquor into sports events.

Your idea of going formal is a black truck.

You have a tattoo that says, "Born to bag groceries."

All the art in your living room was purchased at gas stations.

Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

Your muffler is held on by a coat hanger.

Going to the bathroom late at night requires shoes and a flashlight.

You wake up with Red Man in your hair.

Your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.

When you talk about great fishermen, Granny's name always comes up.

You get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.

Your mother doesn't put on shoes to go grocery shopping.

You walk into a restaurant with a toothpick in your mouth.

You can't schedule a family reunion until after the parole board meets.

You have more than 10 ceramic statues in your front yard.

You get your oil changed by your barber.

Girls' night out is held at the laundromat.

On your honeymoon you leave the driving to Greyhound.

There is a ham hanging from your front porch.

You can smoke a cigarette to the end without knocking off the ash.

Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.

You have to mow your driveway.

You give away more free puppies than the Humane Society.

You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.

You can count the number of teeth you have on one hand.

The kids are going hungry because you had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You use a '55 Chevy as a guest house.

Your John Deere hat fell off when you kissed the bride at your wedding.

You have to re-crank your car at every intersection.

You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.

You use a fishing license as a form of Identification.

You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it.

The hood and one door are a different color than the rest of your car.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission, so I can take a bath!"

Jack Daniels is rated #1 on your list of most admired people.

Your wife has a beer belly, and you find it attractive.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell".

Your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's.

You've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.

Your front porch collapses and you kill more than 6 dogs.

You've ever used lard in bed.

You think potted meat and saltines are an hors d'oevre.

There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house.

You consider a six-pack of beer and watching a bug-zapper quality entertainment.

Less than half of the cars you own run.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.

The main color of your car is "primer".

You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been caught in a ceiling fan.

Your mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

You've ever B-B-Qued spam on the grill.

The neighbors started a petition concerning your Christmas lights

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey & the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.

The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider True Story or Field & Stream deep reading.

You prominently display a gift you purchased at Graceland.

The diploma hanging in your den includes the words "Trucking Institute"

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader

The most common phrase heard at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Jackass?"

You think beef sticks and moon pies are two of the major food groups

You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy

You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time

You have a rag for a gas cap

You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken

You've ever used a weed eater indoors

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand

You wait to break wind in bed so you can fan the covers on your spouse

You have a fly-strip hanging above the kitchen table

Your matchbook doubles as a toothpick

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take the wheels off.

Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

You've ever hollered "rock the house, Bubba" during a piano recital.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the grease rack.

You've ever won a spitting contest.

You answer more than half the questions asked you with "Do What?"

Your wife has better tatoos than you do.

You've ever cut your grass and found a car.

You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

You own a homemade fur coat.

You burn your front yard instead of mow it.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

When describing your kids, you use the phrase "dumb as a brick."

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

You've ever given rat traps as a gift.

You always answer the front door with a baseball bat in your hand.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've never paid for a haircut.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The taillight covers on your car are made of tape.

You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.

You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to "Show & Tell."

Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart Shoppers."

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You're considered an expert on wormbeds.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.

After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.

All of your four letter words are two syllables.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You cut your toenails in front of company.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You have grease under your toenails.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

ALPHA v0.3