ALPHA v0.3

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The First Sermon

Topic: religion


The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he was unable to speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Put some martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should relax enough and everything should go smoothly."

The next week the young priest put his elder's suggestion into practice and really talked up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "A definite improvement over last week but I think there are a few things you should learn before you address the congregation again."

FIRST: Next time, sip the martinis rather than gulping them down.

SECOND: There are 10 commandments, not 12.

THIRD: There are 12 disciples, not 10.

FOURTH: David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

FIFTH: We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his disciples as "The late J.C. and the boys."

SIXTH: Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

SEVENTH: We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T."

EIGHTH: The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

NINTH: The recommended grace before Meals AND Communion is NOT "RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THANX FOR THE GRUB, YEAH GOD!"

TENTH: It's the Virgin Mary, NOT "Mary with the Cherry!!!"

ELEVENTH: Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not BET HIS ASS.

TWELVTH: Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

THIRTEENTH:When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this bread and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

FOURTEENTH:When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not "stoned off his ass."

FIFTEENTH:The drive-up confessional is not a bad idea but the motto "Toot and tell or go to Hell" just won't do"

SIXTEENTH: When God gave Samson strength to knock down the pillars at the stadium, we do not say he "ROCKED THE HOUSE!"

ALPHA v0.3