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New Study Life Causes Cancer

Topic: science

New Study: Life Causes Cancer

In a new study released this week from the Cancerous Research Department at the University of Michigan, scientists announced they had found a definite link between life and cancer.

In a study of 1028 volunteers over a period of three years, it was found that one had nearly a 55% greater chance of developing cancer if one was alive. If one was dead, it was discovered that the risk of acquiring a cancerous tumor was reduced to nearly 0%.

"This discovery is stupendous." said Adik Ibee, head of the CR department. "Now that we know what causes cancer, we have an effective way of treating it."

"We found that cancer, which is a malignant, uncontrolled growth in a living organism, is caused by a variety of different factors, all of which make up our life. We were still lost as to the answer, but then some of our volunteers died, and we hit it."

With the scientific community still reeling over this shocking breakthrough, many doctors, on the sly, have been prescribing death to those who wish to avoid cancer entirely. The FDA has not yet officially approved this procedure yet, but is expected to with in the week.

It has been postulated by Ibee that death might even cure people currently suffering from cancer. The CR department is currently conducting studies into that possibility on an extra grant from the University head.

"We will have to conduct further research into [death]." Ibee said. "This could prove very promising. Who knows? We might find death to be the cure for an extended variety of our problems."

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