ALPHA v0.3

Because of the fun and sarcastic nature of some of these jokes, viewer & reader discretion is advised. Don't read'em and then complain!

This is an alpha release of this section. If you find any problems or would like to recommend something, please be kind enough to give us some feedback.


Troubleshooting Your New Stereo

Topic: science

Troubleshooting Your New Stereo

Problem =>> Probable Cause =>> Remedy

Does not work =>> Power plug in hand =>> Place plug in socket and turn socket on

Not turned on =>> Turned off =>> Turn on.

Still does not work =>> Bought it from Tandy =>> Take it back and get a real stereo.

Lights up but no sound =>> No speakers =>> Buy some speakers.

Still no sound =>> Volume set to zero =>> Set volume to ten.

Too much sound =>> Volume set to ten =>> Set volume to three.

Raucous hiss =>> Radio turned on and no aerial =>> Turn radio off, place record on deck, place stylus on record.

Sounds too slow =>> HMV 78 written on record =>> Discard record, replace with `Hells Bells' by ACDC set volume to ten, place stylus on record.

Can't hear anything =>> Gone deaf =>> turn stereo off and or learn to say `eh?'

Don't understand what all the lights are for =>> Stupidity =>> Turn stereo off, buy gramophone and retrieve HMV 78.

Record a little small and hole too big for spindle =>> Record is a CD =>> If it cost over 10 pound send it to me else check for CD player on stereo if there is one, insert into CD player and set volume to ten.

No CD player =>> Not buying a CD player =>> Buy a CD player or stop buying CDs.

Too noisy =>> CD playing and volume set to ten =>> Set volume to three.

CDs don't fit in car sterio =>> Haven't got a car CD player =>> Buy car CD player, place CD in player and set volume to ten.

Car speakers broken =>> Volume of car CD player =>> Take CD player back set too high to shop - it would have been stolen anyway!

CDs don't fit in car stereo =>> Car stereo only plays tapes =>>Tape CDs.

Don't understand the automatic sequencing compact disk, magnetic media instant audio transposition mega wacko editing commands =>>

a) Stupid =>> Turn stereo off, buy gramophone and retrieve HMV 78.

b) Normal =>> Nor does anyone else just do it by hand like you used to.

Reel to reel tapes don't fit in tape deck =>> You're still wearing purple flares =>> Remove flares and reel to reel tape. Attatch sign saying `Outdated Hippy' to forehead, place Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture in CD player skip first 6 minutes place head between speakers and set volume to ten.

Profound deafness with persistent tinilus =>> Placing head between speakers with volume set to ten whilst listening cannon detonations. =>> None.

Other Problems

Does not show Coronation Street =>> Not a television =>> Buy sex pistols album place on deck, place stylus on record and set volume to ten.

Neighbor beats head in with a brick =>> Constant annoyance with loud music =>> Go to hospital and learn to eat through a straw.

Stereo not where you left it =>> Stereo has been stolen or repossessed by bailiffs =>> Call Police and or pay Poll tax demand.

Records, tapes and CDs melt during play, only a buzz comes from stereo =>> Stereo is a microwave =>> Place egg in microwave rip glass and metal grille from door look inside and turn on.

Egg on face =>> Stupidity =>> None.

Stereo not good in bed =>> Stereo not girlfriend =>> Unplug girlfriend from mains and take tape from her lips. Plug in Stereo and turn on girlfriend.

Pressing space bar causes a little click, but does not play recently purchased Paul Simon album =>> Bought typewriter =>> Slam head in fridge door.

Light in fridge does not go out =>> Door not shutting completely =>> Slam Harder!

ALPHA v0.3