ALPHA v0.3

Because of the fun and sarcastic nature of some of these jokes, viewer & reader discretion is advised. Don't read'em and then complain!

This is an alpha release of this section. If you find any problems or would like to recommend something, please be kind enough to give us some feedback.


If I Ever Become An Evil Overlord

Topic: startrek

If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. As an extra security measure, there will be motion and heat detectors every 12 inches.

3. My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped, will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Any form of death will not be too good for my enemies.

5. The artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair, beyond the River of Fire, guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my pocket.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. I'll just kill them.

7. When a rebel leader challenges me to a one-on-one battle, and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?", my reply will be "No, just sensible."

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Before you pull the trigger, can you tell me your secret plan?", I'll laser his ass, and then say "No".

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be immediately married in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism in my mother ship.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the cute and cuddly infant who is destined to overthrow me. I'll vaporise the kid myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies within the walls of my secret inner sanctum. Any small space station well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will have no need to prove my superiority by dropping clues in the form of riddles, leaving weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat, or having the shackled-and-gagged rebel leader dragged behind me to witness the destruction of his home world.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident. I'm not accountable to anyone, and my enemies wouldn't believe it, anyway.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy", and simply choose not show any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plans that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be vaporised, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organisation, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. Rebel leaders will not be entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If, however, such a device is unavoidable, I will set it to blow when the counter reaches 180.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will insure he is sufficiently twisted as to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's done.

22. I will never utter the sentence: "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want you to know."

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

24. I will periodically wipe out all members of my inner circle.

ALPHA v0.3