ALPHA v0.3

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Star Trek Who'S On First

Topic: startrek


Kirk - Ah... hello Mister Spock.

Spock - Good day, Captain.

Kirk - Are you an avid baseball fan?

Spock - Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of 4 sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to knock the 's**t out of' the object amidst loud verbalizations of 'Hurrah' and 'Knock 'em on their a**.' Is this correct?

Kirk - Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth.

Spock - Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history... perhaps I may be of assistance.

Kirk - That's the idea.

Spock - Very well... proceed.

Kirk - Alright... Who's on first.

Spock - I am unable to determine who is on first without proper information concerning the team and year, sir.

Kirk - So?

Spock - Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy.

Kirk - No... Who's on first.

Spock - I do not know.

Kirk - No... he's third base.

Spock - Who is?

Kirk - No... he's first base.

Spock - Who is?

Kirk - Correct.

Spock - Who is correct?

Kirk - Sometimes.

Spock - Who is sometimes?

Kirk - No... Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes' identity.

Spock - Who's identity?

Kirk - No... him I know... he's first baseman.

Spock - Who is?

Kirk - Right.

Spock - Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.

Kirk - What.

Spock - I said the second baseman.

Kirk - What.

Spock - This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory dysfunction, sir. Now, as I asked... who is the second baseman?

Kirk - No... you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman.

Spock - I am not familiar with that piece of information, sir.

McCoy - Dammit, Spock! You messed up the whole setup there!

Spock - Forgive me Doctor... I am not a comedian.

McCoy - Obviously.

Spock - That much is certain.

McCoy - Just get back to the skit.

Spock - Very well. Captain... I ask you... politely... who is the second baseman?

Kirk - No... Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.

Spock - That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. 'Who is the second baseman,' not 'what is the second baseman.'

Kirk - Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the second baseman.

Spock - That statement is most illogical.

Kirk - Okay... wait a minute. We'll get Scotty... he's Scottish.. he must love baseball. Oh Mister Scott...

Scott - Aye, Cap'n?

Kirk - Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.

Scott - Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way!

Kirk - You see, Spock?

Spock - Yes... Mister Scott seems to know the material well. Alright, Mister Scott... who is the second baseman?

Scott - Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about!

Spock - I know that be what... er... is what I'm talking about. I am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about.

Scott - Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field event!

Spock - What has this got to do with field events?

Scott - Ach! No! What's the second baseman!

Spock - Again, I note that a person should be referred to as 'who' and not 'what' Mister Scott.

Scott - Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock!

Spock - What you are saying is most illogical.

Scott - Ach! No! What's a real bright fella!

Spock - Who is a 'real bright fella' Mister Scott?

Scott - No! Who... now he's a real dope, sir!

Spock - Who is?

Scott - Right!

Spock - You are relieved, Mister Scott.

Scott - Aye, sir.

Spock - Sir... this is most illogical, and I am no longer interested in learning who the second baseman is. I am also growing impatient.

Kirk - No... Who's the first baseman.

Spock - Very well sir. Good day, gentlemen, or whoever you are.

[Spock leaves.]

Kirk - Whoever! I forgot about him! Wait... I don't remember a Whoever on the team...

ALPHA v0.3