ALPHA v0.3

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Ten Great Ways To Enjoy The Summer Heat!

Topic: g-rated

Ten Great Ways to Enjoy the Summer Heat!

1- Get out on the open water for some fishing! Laboriously paddle your way through stagnant, shadeless expanses of greasy green muck in a broiling aluminum boat as you cook like a baked potato in a solar camp oven. Topple overboard into the hot simmering ooze in panic after managing to puncture yourself with a fishhook, and enjoy the fragrant release of methane gas while snapping turtles lying invisible below the opaque clouds of goo you've stirred up remove your lower digits with beaks sharper than lawn shears.

2- Witness the beauty of nature in the great outdoors! Bike across the Mojave Desert encased in black spandex. Take an exhilarating dash through geysers of superheated steam. Peer through shimmering air at the bubbling red lava of active volcanos. Wade through the hot gooey ooze of natural tar pits.

3- Enjoy personal hygiene in rustic splendor! Follow the aroma to the sun-baked outhouses awaiting you at your nearest state park or fairground. Frantically flail at crazed biting horseflies bigger than sparrows as your sweaty posterior adheres to a seat encrusted with paisley-colored organisms that have been flourishing since the Truman administration. Delight in the thrill of warm refreshing "splash back", and ponder whether the broad-leafed flora you've desperately procured for cleanup duties are poison oak or poison ivy.

4- Go jogging! Glow with health as the broiling sun wrings the last few drops of precious moisture from your staggering body. Plod listlessly across acres of bubbling hot asphalt until you finally keel over and splat face first into oozing tar, your desiccated corpse slowly sinking into the scalding mire where it will one-day be uncovered by future archaeologists picking through a gooey mass of blackened cigarette butts and flattened squirrels.

5- Enjoy your midday meal in the comfort of a car lacking air conditioning! Poke hot, greasy, salty french fries past your parched, cracked lips as you occasionally scream in agony as your exposed flesh accidently brushes against blistering vinyl seat covers and superheated seat belt buckles. Manage to spray the contents of numerous little sauce packets in random directions about your car's interior, and enjoy the pungent fragrance of cooking ketchup during your subsequent five- hour ride across the baking Kansas plains.

6- Better yet, experience the joy of preparing meals for others. Seek employment at your nearest fast food establishment and earn less than a Sudanese scrap dealer by standing for hours in a sweltering windowless sauna of a cookroom over the broad expanse of a sizzling grill. Experience the sensation of it cooking you just slightly slower than the greasy hunks of dead cow carcass you monotonously turn, their oily brown masses hissing and sputtering in a yellowish mixture of scalding liquid fat and your own dripping rivulets of perspiration.

7- Visit a hog farm! Inhale pervasive gagging clouds of ammonia-tinged porcine flatulence as you stumble through mountains of flyblown manure. Feel your skin blister from your baking body as you shovel mountains of the latter material, relieved only by the hot splatter produced by your squealing, squirming companions relieving themselves.

8- Get out and play ball! Stand idly for hours under the glare of the noonday sun hundreds of yards from the nearest shade in a field of grass cooked crisper than straw, or play the infield to let clouds of choking, kicked-up dust adhere to your skin and eyes in a gritty stinging brown mixture. Occasionally pause from your efforts at finding a graceful way to extract your damp chafing underwear from the crack of your rear to squint futiley into the blinding glare of the blazing sun to spot pop flies racing towards your unprotected nose.

9- Learn about power generation at your nearest coal-fired electric plant! Remove your oxygen mask long enough to pour out the accumulated perspiration and see if you can peer through the choking bluish-grey haze to the top of smokestacks belching sulfur-laden greenhouse gases under an inversion layer less penetrable than formica.

10- Go camping! Feel caustic bug repellant and sweat running down your clammy back in streams as you hide in the still air of your oven-like tent from the clouds of ravenous mosquitos swimming through the only slightly less muggy air outside. Spend a relaxing evening struggling to pry ticks from inaccessible areas of your flesh in pitch darkness broken only by the strobe-like flash of deafening lightning strikes felling towering nearby trees. Awake after nearly an hour's fitful sleep to find yourself encrusted to your ant-infested sleeping bag, and discover that marauding raccoons have left you with only half a bite- covered Little Debbie oatmeal pie as sustenance for your next delightful day.

Feel like taking a shower now?

ALPHA v0.3