ALPHA v0.3

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Here Are A Few Questions That Will Help Determine Your Chances

Topic: g-rated

Here are a few questions that will help determine YOUR chances of success when you next go for a job interview. Just mark your answers A, B or C then total up your final score to show what your chances are of handling that job!

1. What will you wear for the interview?

A. A comfortable but obscene printed T-shirt and jeans.

B. An outfit you bought in Oxfam.

C. Your Sunday best.

2. To calm your nerves before the interview would you:

A. Drink several pints of lager.

B. Take a couple of Valium.

C. Do the times crossword.

3. Your appointment is for 2.45pm. Would you arrive:

A. At 3.15pm, after the pub has closed.

B. A few minutes late to avoid waiting.

C. Ten minutes early.

4. You go in for the interview and you are faced by three members of the interviewing panel. They are all standing as you enter. They all ask you to sit down. Would you:

A. Not do so, but walk over to a painting and spent several minutes adjusting the angle.

B. Move your chair around a bit before slumping in to it and putting your feet upon the desk.

C. Do so immediately.

5. You are offered a cup of coffee. Would you:

A. Clumsily knock it over the interview committees desk, soaking their lists of questions and their trousers.

B. Refuse it and ask for something stronger.

C. Accept it, and cleverly sip it at discreet moments during the interview.

6. The first interviewer is very unfriendly. Would you:

A. Punch him in the face.

B. Wave a finger at him across the table telling him to "watch it".

C. Smilingly answer all his questions.

7. The second interviewer is very friendly. Would you:

A. Plan for your families to go on a holiday together.

B. Ask them round your house for drink.

C. Smilingly answer all his questions.

8. You find the third interviewer rather attractive. Would you:

A. Ask them out for drink that evening.

B. Wink and use subtle body language to let your feelings known.

C. Smilingly answer all their questions.

9. You are asked about your former boss. Would you:

A. Say "I`d rather not talk about that bastard".

B. Say that you had a personality clash.

C. Mention all your formal employers good points.

10. You are asked about your hobbies and interests. Would you:

A. Boast about your reputation as a football hooligan and produce a scrap book of newspaper cuttings featuring your various court appearances.

B. Say you like to hit the town on the pop most nights.

C. Mention you like to play golf from time to time.

11. You are asked to give details of past experience. Would you:

A. Laugh like Sid James, nudge the interviewer, and proceed to make thinly veiled references to your past sexual activities.

B. Say you have had no experience.

C. Give a brief summary of any past experience you might of had.

12. You feel a build-up of wind occurring. Would you:

A. Fart as loudly as possible and award yourself a mark out of ten.

B. Ask "Whose farted?" in order to alleviate the blame before releasing it as quietly as possible.

C. Suppress it and hope that it goes away.

13. Finally, you are asked how much you`d expect to earn. Would you:

A. Ask "How much do you three earn?".

B. Say "25,000 a year - plus perks".

C. Say "Whatever the going rate is for the job".

14. The interview is over. Do you:

A. Yawn as if the whole thing was a bore and ask, "Well, do I get the job or what?".

B. Exit swiftly into a broom cupboard, emerge again red faced and then leave again through the right door.

C. Shake hands and thank the interviewers for their courtesy.





40 OR OVER - Your prospects are excellent. All you have to do now is find a job vacancy.

30 TO 39 - There`s hope for you yet. Pick up a copy of the leaflet "HOW DO I GET A JOB EVEN THOUGH THERE AREN`T ANY" from your local job centre or job club.

20 TO 29 - Try the Y.T.S.

BELOW 20 - Stay in bed.

ALPHA v0.3