ALPHA v0.3

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Movie Laws

Topic: g-rated

Movie Laws

Bad Smoker Rule: In any cop movie made since the mid-seventies, the bad guys smoke while the good guy is trying to quit.

"Cape Fear Syndrome": Derangement that causes heroines, upon learning they are in great danger, to go immediately to an isolated cabin (houseboat, sailboat in the harbor, farm) alone, knowing that no one, especially their friends, will be able to find them.

Divine Dog Syndrome: In movies humans are violently killed with impunity, but dogs are never killed. Thus an alien race studying humans would conclude that dogs are gods.

Fallacy of the Talking Killer: The villain wants to kill the hero. He has him cornered at gunpoint. All the villain has to do is pull the trigger, but he always talks first. He explains the heroes mistakes to him, jeers, laughs. And gives the hero time to think his way out of the situation or be rescued by his buddy.

Gibson's Inverse Coefficient of Gravity: Force of nature that affects the firearms of good guys as they scale tall buildings. Force grows geometrically greater the higher up the good guy is, eventually causing firearm to fall irretrievably from his grasp when he needs it most. (Fun fact: This force generates a powerful visual aura, causing good guy to waste precious time watching firearm fall all the way to the ground while he's in immediate peril.)

Hand-in-Hand Rule: In many Hollywood action pictures the woman characters are incapable of fleeing from danger unless dragged by a strong man who takes the woman's hand and pulls her along behind him. This convention is so strong it appears even in films in which it makes no sense, as in Sheena, In which a jungle woman who has ruled the savage beasts since infancy is pulled along by a television anchorman fresh off the plane.

Hardest Word in the English Language: No matter how well a foreigner speaks English, he never masters "yes" and will invariably be forced to rely on its equivalent in his native tongue.

"Hey, Cody!" Rule: Bad guy has drop on good guy. Can pull trigger and kill him. Inevitably shouts "Hey, Cody!" (or other name of good guy ) after which good guy whirls, sees bad guy and shoots him first.

Human Antennae: Movie characters who have an amazing ability to turn on the television at the moment that a newscaster begins a report on something directly relating to them.

Myopia Rule: Little girls who wear glasses in movies always tell the truth. Little boys who wear glasses in movies always lie.

One Size Fits All: If a woman Character steals clothing, if a male's, will be too big. If a female's, it will be too skimpy and revealing. Short-Time Syndrome: Applies to prison, war or police, movies, in which the hero has only a few more days until he is free, his tour is over, or he can retire with a full pension. Whenever such a character makes the mistake of mentioning his remaining time ("three days and I'm outta here!"), he will die before the end of that time.

1-Telephone's to blame rule: applies to all kind of movies. The main character didn't like what he just heard in the phone, so he disconnect it violently and threw it away.

2-Telephone's to blame II: The character is in a phone conversation, the other party hangs up the phone before he wanted to, and the character remains staring at the handset as if he can get an explanation from it.

Bad Coffee Rule: In cop shows/movies (and also frequently, but not as inevitably, in newspaper-office scenes) the character will walk in, stop at the coffee machine, pour some into a plastic/styrofoam cup, and utter some variation on the phrase "Jeez, this coffee tastes like crap".

Too-Easy Parking and Poor Auto Security rule: Famously flouted by Steve McQueen in "Bullitt". McQueen, a well-known car nut, takes a couple of maneuvers to parallel-park his Mustang and then locks the door when he's out of the car; what movie-dictates declare should be done is to pull straight over to the curb, front-first, in one movement, get out of the car (with the window wound down) and slam the door shut, unlocked. This is also satirized in the Police Squad shows/movies where Leslie Nielsen never fails to hit some object as he performs the Too- Easy Parking maneuver.

ALPHA v0.3