ALPHA v0.3

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What We Learn From Tv

Topic: g-rated


1) If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.

2) Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.

3) Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.

4) Crazy people are always dangerous.

5) Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.

6) Good guys are always outnumbered.

7) Good guys always win and get the girl.

8) Ugly people are always bad guys.

9) Good guys are always good looking.

10) Sex, murder, and mayhem are a way of life.

11) Good guys are the only ones that have a sense of humor.

12) Cars will explode in all accidents, no matter how slight.

13) If you jump hundreds of feet into water, it will always be deep enough.

14) The head bad guy is always smart. The guys working for him are always stupid.

17) Haunted houses are never locked.

18) Women will faint at crucial times.

19) Good guys will always get shot in the arm or leg.

20) All Chinese people know Karate.

21) Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.

22) Rich people are either unhappy or private detectives.

23) Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.

25) There are no ugly women, only ugly men.

27) Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.

26) Computers never crash.

27) When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.

30) Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but will leave before finding out if it works.

31) Christmas Eve and Halloween night lasts for three or four days.

32) Movies based on true stories are always made up.

33) Police never wait for back-up.

34) Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.

35) Private detective work is glamorous.

36) All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.

38) Everyone wins in Las Vegas.

40) Nobody on TV has time to watch TV.

43) Monsters are best hunted down when everyone spreads out and goes out alone instead of in groups.

44) No one ever does housework, but everyone's home is always clean.

45) Street vendor's carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.

46) Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.

47) When in any potentially threatening situation, the protagonist always enters dark rooms by backing in.

48) Space aliens are always immune to bullets.

49) Cars explode in all accidents: except the fender-bender that introduces the hero to that episode's damsel-in-distress!

50) Bad guys always fully explain their master plans to the good guys before killing them, and the good guys end up being rescued by others who would not have had time to arrive if the bad guys had just killed them right off.

51) Police never wait (or call) for backup -- but it always manages to arrive in time to take over the handcuffing anyway, while the heros trade closing wisecracks about the case's solution.

52) Any innocent person falling down stairs is killed instantly.

53) he bad guy ALWAYS gets back up and tries to kill the good guy after being left for dead at least once and possibly three or four times.

54) Cars that crash always explode; usually at least three times from different angles.

55) Bullets will rain down all about the hero as he mows down the bad guys, then seconds after he moves to safety behind some form of cover the space where he was standing will fill with bullet holes.

56) Somehow standing behind a sheetrock wall protects the hero as he fires back at the bad guys.

57) Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.

58) Everyone has a 'dark' secret.

59) After all the "Not quite as bad as the main bad guy", bad guys have been killed and the hero's sidekick has been wounded, the hero and and the "really bad", bad guy will fight to the death. The hero will win.

60) The police are real smart or real dumb, depending on what the plot needs.

61) Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.

62) Indians make good cannon fodder.

63) Whenever there's a thunderstorm, someone will be murdered.

64) Computers never crash, though they occasionally explode for no apparent reason.

65) Computers will become self-aware entities if struck by lightning.

66) Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.

67) Everyone wins in Las Vegas.

68) The world is teaming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.

69) Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.

ALPHA v0.3