ALPHA v0.3

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A Summary Of Various Useful Tools

Topic: g-rated

A Summary of Various Useful Tools

Screwdriver-- device used for opening beer cans. Also serves as a chisel. Primarily used for removing excess skin from palm and making random gouges in things.

Hammer--used for bending nails. If used properly, nail will bend, then fire itself across the room, as it is now useless anyway.

Soldering wire, (silver), although this item was designed before the invention of plastic, it's main intention is as a replacement for twist-ties. Also used to prove the "no two snowflakes" theory when melted above finished floors. It has been said that Pershing used solder to practice bombing raids on cockroaches.

Staplegun, invented by Charles Atlas for developing the forearm. This tool should never be used for trying to attach one item to another as staples are not made in that size.

Backsaw, invented by William Back, the sawdust magnate. Used for recycling excess floor molding.

Ball-peen hammer, Interestingly, when first discovered in a cave by Francisco de Gama in 1602, the ball-peen hammer was useless, as the peen had not yet been invented, and the practice of hitting yourself in the hand had already been perfected by the Druids, using a variety of devices. Ballpeen hammers are now used by those with steady hands to swat flies. Also used as a universal centerpunch.

Come-a-long, invented by Maidenform in 1953 for Jayne Mansfield to serve as a brassiere removal device. Early models used tow-rope, which often snapped, once killing a hairdresser. Later models used antennea, which were soon replaced with cable.

Mineral Spirits, aka paint thinner, enamel thinner, stuff. Used for wetting metal parts. Also used for adhering paint brushes to containers. (Note: process takes approx one month) This chemical can be used in place of any other chemical with reduced efficiency.

Lacquer thinner, used to cool skin. Also used to make lacquer useless. This chemical was invented by E.I. DuPont de NeMours for the purpose of making money. Creative mechanics often use lacquer thinner to tie-die trousers while wearing them.

Gunk, invented by Forrest Gunk. Gunks primary component is mayonnaise, but perfume and lanolin are added to make mechanics hands soft and lovely. Also used for lubricating pipe fittings, and for getting rags dirty. Do not eat. Once applied to skin, Gunk never comes off.

ALPHA v0.3